Doctor! Doctor!

I was feeling pretty anxious about my doctors appointment. I'd only seen Doctor Keyser once before, in the same situation granted, and he'd been nothing but kind and understanding. But he's a hard little man. He speaks with an almost flawless British accent, yet he is so bluntly German. His eyes are like little hard rocks behind his perfectly round, gold framed glasses. If he wasn't so tiny, standing at no more than five foot one, one could easily mistake him for Nick Robinson going grey. Whereas my usual GP is a younger, softer, charmismatic and personable young woman, Dr Keyser invokes memories of being dragged to the doctor by mother and being scrutinised from every angle by someone who to your feeble childs mind is like a cross between your headmaster, and God.

The buzzer called me in. Don't worry, I calm myself, it's just a quick in and out, he can read your notes after all. He greets me as he's leaving his room.

"Ah, Miss Myatt!" he exclaims. I don't know why the surgery never changed my title along with my name when I got married, "if you could just come in, has the receptionist told you about the student doctor today? Good good! Well he will examine you and take down your notes, and then I will come and check to see that everything is ok. Good? Good!"

The student doctor in question was a young south eastern asian man. At first I groaned inwardly; all other times I've been told there was a student doctor in, it was whilst they observed, never unsupervised. He had a kindly enough face, but he seemed so fresh and, well, undoctorly, I wondered what it was he would say.

"I came here just under a month ago," I explained, "I have a history of depression and I had been suffering with some of the symptoms for a couple of months so I came back before they could get any worse, and the doctor prescribed me my usual...now I'm nearly out and I need some more..."

He looked at me strangely. I wondered what his experience with mental health issues was. I was soon to find out.

He asked how I was feeling. On top of the world, I told him, for about a week or so I've been feeling just brilliant. Whether that is the pills or Christmas and the promise of seeing my whole family and the wonderful new years celebrations that are planned I don't know. Perhaps those months of feeling blue were just a minor blip.

He asked if I wanted to come off the pills...I asked if this was advisable...after years of being on and off them in one form or another I know the standard course is 6 months. He said it was just strange; usually with anti depressants they take weeks if not months to kick in, he explains. I say yes, indeed, I know this, this is all an old game to me, but today I am feeling on top of the world, on bad days I'm inconsolable.

He goes through my symptoms, past and present, and he seems perplexed. We've been in for a good five or ten minutes and he mumbles something about being unable to write me a prescription; we'll have to wait for Doctor Keyser. I presume he will be back soon.

Then the extraordinarily unprofessional happens. He tells me he just doesn't understand depression. I ask, what exactly do you mean by that. He says he cannot comprehend. He asks what I mean by "when I'm down I just can't face the world". He says that to him he wakes up on a morning, and then he wants to get out of bed and get on with his day. He doesn't say this in an accusatory way, more in an inquisitive way. I explain that, for me, all logical thought goes out of the window. When you feel like everything is against you, why bother to do anything? Why fight a loosing battle when you may as well just curl up and die?

He asks if I've had thoughts of dieing. I explain that, yes, I did when I came to see the doctor a month ago, and thats what triggered me to seek help, before I let it go to far. He asks if I've harmed myself. I say no. What about in the past? It's difficult to talk about, so I just show him the scars on my arm instead. He seems repulsed.

Then the conversation takes an even stranger turn. He asks "what about religion? Does that help?"

I'm perplexed. He seems to be reading from my notes, but I do not recall ever disclosing anything to do with faith to any doctor here. I tell him that whilst I'm Catholic, on down days God is far from my mind. Indeed, on really bad days one begins to doubt His existence at all.

He begins to explain that he's from a Christian family himself, but it's so difficult. He believes in God but he's not sure about religion. He wants to live life his own way, not prescribed by the church. He wishes to be the master of his own destiny, but he cannot deny that he knows God is there.

"I believe we'll never really know what God wants," I say. He confides that when doing devotionals, sometimes he will read a passage in the Bible which is spot on, and relates to exactly how he is feeling that day. He confides that his friends think he is mad for this, that he must be twisting the words to mean what he wants it to mean, and I suggest that as a trainee doctor he must be surrounded by many scientifically minded folk. He says yeah, and then says, "but it can't just be coincidence, can it?" I say "There's much wisdom in the word. It may be written by God or it may be written by man, but it didn't just appear from no where." He sits in silence for a while, nodding, in deep thought.

"I'm so sorry...I have no idea why I'm telling you all this..."

I get that a lot from people. That's why I'm pursuing counseling as a career.

He realises that he's really crossed the line by this point, but I assure him I don't mind, and besides, religion and theology are passions of mine. He goes back to my notes and asks what I mean about having a history of depression. I go through the whole sorry tale from the first time I harmed myself in sixth form college to the day I quit university. He was suprised to find Id studied a science subject. I wonder if I really come accross as that dumb these days. He asks is there anything I do to try and help myself, and asks if it's possible to try and make yourself "snap out of it".

I tell him no, it really isn't, sometimes you can try and get on with things, sometimes you can't. He reaffirms that he finds it so difficult to relate to mental health issues because he's never had any experience aside from in the classroom. By this point he's perusing my medical notes. Why did you have an ultrasound on your liver? How is your asthma these days? Why aren't you on medication for your PCOS?

The PCOS strikes up a whole new area of discussion. I explain I'm not on any medication because I'm trying for a family so I'm trying to lose weight. He asks how it's going and I explain it's been difficult the past couple of weeks, but Im still going to the gym and I'm loving it. As it turns out he's a real gym enthusiast and we get to talking about our work out routines. He's suprised to know I love the weights. He confides that he never used to do weights, but today he turned 25 and he's determined to get a six pack before he's 30. I wish him a happy birthday, he says thanks, he wishes he was at home in Malaysia with his family. He says I should visit Malaysia, it would do me good as it's always sunny and my depression is obviously seasonal.

By this point we've been sat talking about everything and nothing for almost an hour. Doctor Keyser, it would seem, is seeing another patient, and said patient has taken up all this time. I'm a little irked about this, as my appointment was at such and such a time. The student doctor is appologetic, and suggests I wait back in the waiting room, but just as I'm about to leave Doctor Keyser walks in.

The student gives him the lowdown...she feels fine right now but was not a few weeks ago...no majorly terrible symptoms right now. Dr Keyser asks about my sleeping and appetite and gives me a standardised questionnaire. to track my progress

"Yes, you've very much improved, however there is a good chance you will go back if we take you off the anti depressants again so we will follow through with the usual six month course. However, I need you to make some lifestyle changes, because that is really the only thing that will help you in the long run."

I'm puzzled as to what he means. My life is really pretty good right now, and I couldn't ask for much more to be happy that is otherwise out of my control. I ask what he would suggest.

"Well, you need a decent social life, get that social support so when you are in crisis you aren't left on your own..."

I mentally check this off. My friends are ace, my family supportive, my husband gentle and understanding, my social calendar currently packed.

"...you really need to do some exercise, get those endorphins flowing..."

The student doctor and I exchange glances, we know full well this isn't a problem for me.

"...And if you find that you are getting anxious and irritable make sure you get at least an hour a day to yourself that nobody else is allowed to intrude upon and do whatever you like to relax. Go window shopping or something."

He prints off my prescription and says he'll see me in a month. After my hour long consultation with the student doctor I'm really quite perplexed and am unsure whether I should be peeved or not. I probably should, the student certainly crossed the lines of professionalism there, and Dr Keyser seemed only to be interested in signing off my pills for me, after keeping me waiting for over an hour.

So I'm taking my hour to myself to relate the story here. It's the weirdest doctors appointment I've ever had, and it would be a shame to loose it!

Day Four - Your Views on Religion

Otherwise known as "the one that winds everyone up". I thought it may be best to, you know, side step this one, pretend to go over it, but then...why should I? Despite religion, spirituality, theology etc being one of my greatest interests, and many a drunk conversation has been had over such things, I don't actually think I've expressed in a very coherent way what it is I think of it all, other than trying to reassure people I'm not a bonkers religious nutter who thinks you're all going to hell for not, I dunno, whipping yourself over every "bad" thing it is you've done.

But before I wind you all up, speaking of religion and all, if you are the type who prays, pray for me for Monday because I have the first of a set of interviews for a job that could really really do me some good, on a number of levels. Including getting me out of this here flat and into college. So, ya know. I'll be praying away between now and then, and any intervention from anyone else can only help :D

Ok now onto the meat of it. My views on religion. Well. Where to begin?

First off, I don't think what your religion is is of huge importance, and I can imagine that in some people this will cause some huge gasps of shock and horror. I know not all my friends think this. I think that as much as we insignificant beings would love to think we know the will of God "because He deigned to show us through his works" we actually know sweet shag all. We can barely understand each other, let alone this magnificent big dude in the sky. Heck, aside from texts scrawled down out of a desert tradition that bloomed and grew and evolved into the current stock of Abrahamic religions and all the different sects therein, there is no conclusive theological evidence to suggest there is a big magical dude in the sky. Until the dawn of Christianity, which was may I remind you once just another small Jewish tradition borne out of a time of immense political turmoil, and Islam following the same footsteps, polytheistic religion was the norm and monotheism, whilst undeniably having had raised its head from time to time, was actually something quite perculiar.

So religion as we know it today is quite terrifically far fetched from that of our ancestors. There are other examples of how this can be expressed in more than just "hey, where did all this 'one almighty creator God' shit come from?" but for now, this serves as an adequate enough example of why I'm not predisposed to necissarily take up the "The Bible tells us everything we need to know about God without fault" flag.

Now, I'm not trying to paint Christians as the bad guys here for coming along and smashing up the peaceful harmonious polytheistic religions that existed and replacing it with their dogma. Of course, I would be in my right to do so. We Christians have done this in the most brutal and horrific ways imaginable. And, you know, frankly it's not as if the Pagan religions of the time were exactly the all loving hippies that some Neo Pagans today like to make us think they were. Druids today may not practise human sacrifice, but, you know, times change. And my view on religion is that just as times change, society changes, people change, the world changes. The very Universe around us changes, all of the time. Nothing remains the same. Why should religion remain stuck in the past?

Religion has become so dogmatic today and a vocal few are afraid of change, for fear that it will invoke the wrath of God. But if Gods own creation is changing every day, I'm pretty sure God, in whatever form this God truly is or isn't, isn't going to piss all over you because you are more "liberal". Look accross the vast majority of the faithful people of the world. Where God is present, so is the wish to do good, to please God, to nurture and protect His creation, to take care of one another. If God truly is this one, unique being known only to, for example, Christians, whose message was revealed only to them, then isn't it amazing that his message of love and compassion and nurturing has not only translated to the faiths of those who may barely even recognise the sign of the cross but apparently has been passed to them by their own Gods who are so otherwise far fetched from Yaweh of the Jews that they are barely recognisable to western eyes.

Is it not possible, in that we know so little of the being(s) we call "God" that actually we have overlooked the similarities, the core of love and compassion that resonates throughout humanity through faith and without, and instead the greedy few have grasped to the differences that give them an excuse to march upon another people and take what is theirs by force. What if, all along, we were all worshiping the same thing? The same creative force that sparks the life force within our souls? What if all of our dogma and rules and "them vs us" attitudes are all just the outward cultural expressions, tainted by our animalistic instincts for conquest and territorial expansion, of the lighter, spiritual spark within each and every one of us?

I'm happy to say that today I live in a country where, despite what the popularist tabloids would have you believe, we are surrounded by tolerance and understanding. Not every man woman or child on our beautiful planet has the benefit of this. Living in such a society, I see more and more the similarities between cultures than differences. The differences that do exist are superficial at best. Often, the greatest differences in culture are more to do with geographical implications than divine will, but at the core of our beings, I truly believe we are fundamentally the same. We all feel our loyalties to our own and strength and unity of the family. We become upset when we are betrayed and when the family breaks down. It is the desire to prevent such things that wrote the rules of contemporary religion, but as we grow as a society and are better able to look after each other we find these rules have less and less signficiance. Divorce, for example, whilst techinically still frowned upon by the religious community at large, is accepted more and more as we grow to understand that the world is not black and white and love and lust are two powerful forces quite seperate and unique to each other, both to be respected for the powers they play on the human psyche.

We need to accept that given the small ammount of time we each inhabit our world, we will never be able to experience all there is, as sad and as frustrating as this is. If we cannot hope to understand even our own planet, then what hope is there to understand the universe and its great conductor(s)? All we can do is follow that spiritual urge within to whatever end it brings us. Some will reject the notion of Spirituality altogether, and I find it laughable that anyone could feel that God would be offended by such people. Others will find that spiritual urge to lead them not to God but to an understanding of the harmonious clockwork of the universe. Some find truth in the knowlege and wisdom passed from generations gone before, taking the thought that if it aint broke why fix it. Some fumble along trying to find new and seemingly strange ways to connect with God that can seem alien and frightening to, well, just about everyone else! Others find simple succor in quiet contemplative prayer whilst down the road, bretheren of the same faith find that same comfort from a mass outpouring of collective thanks and praise in such a way as would alarm anyone who is not initiated to these practises of worship.

But do any of us really understand what it is we are worshipping? Uncertainty abounds in each of us on some level or another, and resentment when fellow humans break bonds of trust to take advantage of our vulnerability, the vulnerability which comes from the very fact that we don't know for sure, however sure we may be that we're "onto something".

To conclude. Come on people, we all just want the same thing at the end of the day. Lets stop being dick heads about it and get on with what it is we have to do. We don't have to subjugate anyone else or torture or starve them. We have to be nice, and kind and loving, and set a good example for the kids, so that they don't have to live in a world of fear. Does anyone want that for their kids? I don't! Religion can be the perfect framework for instilling this sense of morality. It is not, however, the only way. Each man and woman needs to find their way. The world is not black and white, there is no absoloute good nor absoloute evil. Give a man a fishing trawler and his family need not starve nor go without, but at what cost to the world? A horrible, horrible cost. We have to just do our best with the tools we've been given, the intellects that we supposedly posses, and when we pass away and go on to the next stage of our existence we have to hope we can look God in the eye and say yeah...I really did do my best...

Or maybe not. I hear if a man should look upon the face of God, they will pretty much be fucked, but hey.

Should anyone be wondering yes I am religious. I'm Catholic. I just, ya know, like to think God isn't as big a douchebag as some fellow Christians would have you believe. All loving God? Yes but by whose standards?

xxx