Motivation!

Sometimes, what you really need to find motivation, is girl talk and a few too many glasses of wine.

On Saturday night I swapped my Ben for a Becky. Whilst Ben took some time out with Becky's now fiancee Steve (yay for love!) and the other boys in our life to eat pizza, watch Star Wars, and generally be big manly nerds, Becky and I shared wine, talked weddings (did I mention yay for love?) and, well, you know how it is, discuss the finer, deeper, psychologically deep seated issues in our lives. But mostly wine and weddings.

And football.

And pizza too.

But I digress. Such girl time is often self exploratory and always therapeutic, and of course talking about weddings, the future, love and health and all that, really re focused my mind on what really matters, especially now that we're living in a home which could easily accommodate a mini Myatt...

I've been coasting along, health wise (and by that of course I mean weight loss wise), since Christmas. Granted we weren't expecting to be chucked headfirst into moving house, and I still have to pinch myself to remind myself that yes, we are here and here is indeed ours, not that mouldy little flat we used to call home. Trips to visit my family and the stress of new duties at work...despite my doctors great two pronged plan for me, it's been way too much. Way, way too much.

However, as good excuses as all of these are, Becky and I got to the topic of making choices towards the very end of the night, and I think I realised that actually, excuses or no, I really need to make the choice for myself. Do I make the choice to continue as I am and hope life becomes just "perfect" to start getting healthy and loosing weight again, or do I make the choice to grasp at every tool available to me, and all my past experience, and just go for it in earnest again, however ideal or not the situation may be? I think we all know what the winning choice is most likely to be.

And, as simple and obvious as that may sound, I think coming to such a realisation and deciding to make the choice has added a peppering of another key ingredient that makes weight loss a little big more obtainable. I feel brimming with motivation, and raring to go.

Of course, the proof is usually in the pudding, in our deeds and actions, not just in empty, rambling blog posts like this. So I went ahead and gathered said tools and have, I think, made a good start.

This morning I held my breath and braved the scales, knowing that I have to know how I'm doing in order to push myself. I was't looking forward to it, and I've been avoiding it. Oddly enough, having the scales packed away thanks to the move and enabled my avoidance perfectly, but I got up early for work and unpacked them (yes, I knew exactly where they were).

To my pleasant surprise, I'm not as bad as I thought I was. At my lowest weight since the summer I was 318 pounds...today I'm 327 pounds...I was 346 pounds when I started, in earnest, to try and loose weight. Basically, yes, I've been bad since Christmas...but boy oh boy am I thrilled with the fact that I've gained less than a stone, less than half the weight I lost in the first place...I haven't gone back to square one at all, and I am leaping on that to get me going!

I've also really focused on taking back good habits that helped me last time. I took my lunch in to work with me, a tomato and basil pasta pot, an apple and a banana, I've chewed compulsively on sugar free gum, and I didn't even look at the sweets when I went to get the racing post from the newsagents this morning when I had to open shop (the newsagents we get the post from has a special deal on chocolate bars - three for a pound - and I have no choice but to go in there when I open shop!). I walked just short of a mile after work, and I've logged every morsel of food to pass my lips today. All in all, a lot of little victories, and not only do I feel good in myself for having achieved them and not made excuses to back out of them, but I feel good physically for treating my body so kindly. I knew today would have to be a good one to start this thing off again, and I think I've laid great foundations to begin getting healthy.

The one thing that's missing this time that's different from the last time I was successful in losing weight is having a challenge. I decided not to wait or look for an upcoming blog challenge. This is for me, not anyone or anything else. Taking inspiration from a challenge I saw ages ago on (I think) either the MFP or weight watchers forums, I'm challenging myself to walk a marathon between now and this time next month. It seems fitting; the walk to work is much gentler on me now (no steep hill to claw away at my asthma riddled lungage) and we have a huge park a stones throw away from our house. Because I need to encourage myself back out to the gym (because I will never be comfortable running around in public enough to achieve a comparable level of fitness to that which I know I can achieve in the gym) I'm counting treadmill miles too. I started yesterday, and have walked 1.73 miles so far...which may not sound a lot, but for me that is a big deal, I don't do walking and will get a bus to go just two stops down the road.

But lazy or not...only 24.49 miles to go!

I really think I can do it :)

So glad to feel that my mojo is well and truly back, and here's me lifting a virtual glass of (low calorie) wine to it staying for a goodly time yet...I have my best friends wedding to slim down for, after all!

Winding back to reality

Feeling positive and happy today!

As of today, I am attempting to return to "real life". We're pretty comfortably settled into the new house now, with only little bits and bobs, and our pretty decorative things like pictures for the wall to be unpacked. Ben and I both start back at work on Monday, so we will be back to reality in that sense then.

This past week has been more of a new year than new years.... I went up to stay with family on Tuesday, saw my favourite ever band on Wednesday with my little sister and returned to Liverpool with a swanky new hairstyle and, I think, a much more positive outlook on life. It's amazing what a new do can do! But it's more than that. I feel like the little trip up north just ended the old Bex of the old flat and began the new Bex of the new house.

And new Bex has a whole lot of go get em power. Sadly the funk I found myself in throughout the latter part of February has set me way back on my weightloss efforts. I know I wasn't doing so well after Christmas, but with our sudden moving house, my diet has been atrocious. I confided in my doctor that I'd been binging almost every day, but I don't feel the need to do so right now. I feel so at ease in my new place, and more relaxed than I have been for a long time. We also don't have a sweet shop right next door to us either, so that may also explain my good behaviour this week! Anyhow, I've decided to re rev up the Beck diet book (I only got two and a half weeks into it last time) and work on my resolve and will power. I'm feeling very chilled and happy about where I go from here, and I've scheduled myself in for two trips to the gym this week...the first in a month...I'm looking forward to it so much!

And I need it. I bought myself a band t-shirt at the concert on Wednesday...I saw a few beefy older men wearing them so I figured if I got myself the biggest size I'd be ok. Well as you can see it's a little tight...it's not restrictive in any way, but I couldn't just wear it without feeling very self concious about it drawing attention to my tummy! My current diet goal therefore is to slim down to feel comfortable in my new tshirt...I will consider it a win when I feel comfortable enough to wear it out...not just to the gym (which I probably will wear it to because I need tshirts for the gym!) but actually out and about in public.

I know I still haven't posted any pictures of the new house (although that there piccy of me in my shirt is my bedroom!) but thats because it isn't quite finished yet...as soon as I am totally unpacked, I shall show you all!

Our home

My new living room!

We finally moved out of our dingy, damp little flat and into our first proper house!

We've only been here two full days, but we're already firmly settled in and unbelievably happy. So far, the stress I went through running up to the move has been very much worth it.

We've unpacked most of the boxes, but there is still quite a way to go. As soon as everything is in its place I will be sure to provide you with a little virtual tour! As for now I leave you with this tiny little update and bif you auf wiedersehen...I'm off up north tomorrow to finally see Rammstein! Expect much squealing and happiness from that when I get back to Liverpool!

The joys of moving

As you will know by my excited bleating, I am currently preparing to move house. Or rather, move from my tiny flat into an actual house.

This is turning out to be both more stressful and more expensive than first anticipated. We first got excited by the prospect of no deposit required (being that we are sticking with our same landlord) but the other expenses of course mount up. Not least of all because, for example, my kitchen wear has chosen this specific moment to start breaking down (a new set of pans required) or that, having moved the boxes and crates we were storing in our bedroom we realised the damp problem was way, way bigger than first thought, and whether through our actions causing the spores to be disturbed and spread or because of the very wet, cold weather we've had lately, the problem has litterally doubled in the space of a couple of weeks and has given us cause to basically "burn everything with fire" - new sheets for the bed, duvet and pillow sets etc...it all adds up!

I've managed to get rid of a lot of junk, which is great, yet the stuff I'm not getting rid of knows no end. I think this is more to do with the space premium in here than the ammount of stuff...with such little space to put things, things get a bit piled up, unorganized, stuffed into tiny nooks and crannies that I'd simply forgotten about. Rest assured FLY lady would be horrified to see me hold on to the ammount of crap I'm keeping, but I've tossed so much, and there's only so far I'm willing to toss right now!

As you might imagine I'm very stressed and my nerves are pretty frayed. Between packing and coping with the financial strain this has put us under I've had to take on extra responsibilities at work (part of the contract from the beginning now that I've been signed off of probation and am a fully trained member of the team as it were) which has affected my day to day routine, and ChildLine has been putting on all of its refresher training and workshops. Everything seems to be getting on top of me, so many things I need to remember, though I must be doing it well enough because I've yet to forget anything. I find it difficult to talk about because I feel like a whinging baby, this is after all what being a grown up is all about, right? The other week I had a phone assesment for counselling which my doctor is pressing me to take, and the attitude was so bad it reinforced my feeling whingy.

Of course all this stress and upset has a knock on effect and I've spent the past month or so basically in one big massive binge. I stopped even looking at the scale. I can feel it in myself, I've put so much weight back on. I'm trying to coax myself back into eating healthily, and on the whole my main meals are still very healthy and wholesome. It's everything I stuff in my face between times.

We all go through tough times. Times have been worse before now, I got through them and I'll get through this. I'm really dissapointed in myself for the over eating, but I will get control of it again no doubt. If I have to claw my way to my goals I will, with blood sweat and tears. But first things first, lets get into more comfortable surroundings.

I really cannot wait to be in my new home :)

Let's get rolling

I picked up a load of sturdy cardboard boxes, bubble wrap and packing tape on Friday, and yesterday I started packing all of our worldly goods ready for our move!

This in itself has revealed more reasons to validate our moving out. I've started by packing away all of my pictures and ornaments and decorative nick nacks that serve no purpose other than to brighten up our day. I started by taking down a pair of oil paintings that were painted and gifted to Ben and I by Becky and discovered that the wall behind them was litterally dripping wet...thankfully, the paintings themselves seem to have survived without any damage that I can see...but "ewww" is the only way I can describe it!

And then there was the box. This was one of the plastic boxes we had in our bedroom, you know, the tiny wee bedroom that I've said is only big enough for a double bed and some stacked storage boxes? Well in this box we were storing the cardboard boxes for the Wii, Xbox etc...figuring it'd be a good idea to keep said boxes to provide protection for our consoles when we moved. Well out we dragged them, and found that the undersides were black with mould and the plastic box in which they had been kept contained an inch of water in the bottom.

I mean, seriously, how damp can a place be to get to the point where walls are slimy and boxes fill up with water?

On a note, we aren't completely naive, we knew they place was suffering with damp, but it's only the external walls, walls that we generally don't touch or go near anyhow.

But yes. That was quite a revelation, and only makes us feel even better about the fact that we have less than a month now until we move!

In other news, it has to be said, my weight loss efforts seem to have gone flying out of the window. I think the stress of sorting this move out and trying to juggle our new financial situation hasn't helped, but I need to stop making excuses again and get back on track. I've been trying the Slimming World way, however I find it difficult to stick to this. I'm pondering paying for Weight Watchers again, as that really seemed to help me keep focussed and whilst I wasn't necessarily loosing at a rate of knots, I was loosing. The way the new system works, not having to count fresh fruit or veg, and a more flexible approach than MFP's brand of calorie counting, was the best combination of healthy eating and calorie counting to work for me.

Well anyway, we shall see what we shall see. For now I have to get back to life and to packing!

Happy Blogoversary to me!

It was my "blogoversary" yesterday and I totally forgot because right now, as you may or may not have guessed, I have a lot of things to juggle, organise, sort out etc...

More so than I did at new years I'm thinking back at the year that has been, possibly because I started this blog for a very specific reason, but that reason is now completely irrelevant and I find myself in a position I could never have guessed at this time last year.

Instead of being ensconced in the North East as we had planned, we're still in Liverpool but finally in the process of upgrading our castle to a larger model. Ben was (thank God) not made redundant after all and is still in his same job, whilst I find myself employed in an area I never imagined I'd ever be employed in (it's not that exciting...just not what you would think of immediately for me!) and, surprisingly, enjoying it. I've made new friends and reconnected (however loosely) with old ones. I'm the lightest weight I've been in years, although the going is a constant struggle and very slow. I now eat mostly fresh home cooked meals from scratch (ok, minus the odd packet of ready chopped onion because I'm lazy) as opposed to the pie and chips of this time last year (which I justified with "it's still under my calories!"). I exercise. I have a freaking gym membership! I volunteer my time freely to a cause I believe in passionately in an area I'd love to eventually build my career in. I'm in the process of getting back to college to get the qualifications to forge that career and have been invited to a skills assesment (though I'm having to wait for a new date...that whole being employed thing can get in the way!). I'm more confident, more self assured, more me living a life that whilst is not perfect is not out of control. I no longer merely exist, but I have take control and am steering things in the right direction and I'm doing it my way. Not my mothers or my friends or anyone else I've tried to pander to in the past. This is all Bex, baby.

Oh, and Ben, but he said I can decorate the house however I like so I guess that makes up for any influences he may have over my life in general!

I hate to be gushy and cheesy...nah, I don't, I love being gushy and cheesy! I'm not the biggest interactor in the blogosphere, I'm actually a quiet and shy person and I don't comment very much...I struggle to come up with replies, but I try to spread out and offer comments when I can think of them! But anyway...you can think this absoloute BS if you like or you may think it's over sentimental or just a load of old tripe, but I want you all to know that either through your comments or through your blogs which I have been following (and lurking upon, even if not commenting) and through having this blog in general to put things down in writing, have that space to think and read it all back, having challenges to do with like minded people who offer support...through all of this, it played a very big role in shaping me over the past year, in spurring me on to take control and make my life what it is today.

Like I said...you can believe me or not, or you can say I'm full of nonsense, why did I need a blog to do it, the blog did nothing, the blog was just here. But it's true :)

Basically what I'd like to say is...

Thanks, guys :)

Six word Saturday: Time to move on

We're moving to an actual house!

I've lamented to you all before about the serious lack of space in our flat. It is a one bedroomed thing, it's at the top of two steep flights of stairs (Which, despite what one would think, has done nothing for our health!) with a kitchen in the lounge and a bedroom big enough to fit the mattress into it (and some boxes stacked in a free corner!). I've moaned about the trouble of house hunting and the pitfalls that await you and I've recently had a major security issue that has been the straw that broke the camels back so far as tolerating the place as somewhere livable is concerned.

Well, our landlord took us around a small two bedroomed house in the area yesterday, and whilst it is neither huge nor elaborate nor sparkly fantastic, it is a major improvement on what we're coping with now. Being that we're staying with him we've no deposit to pay, we just start paying the higher rent next month and move on in.

Aside from my womanly glee and day dreaming about the wonderful things I plan on buying for my new home, I'm excited about this for a number of reasons;

• The downstairs is laminate flooring throughout, a blessing for my asthma!
• Two bedrooms means space for eventual babies, but more immediately, space for guests!
• Mould is not creeping in, a bonus for our health in every way imaginable (especially as our current bedroom is on the edge of being over run by the damn stuff)
• We have drawers as well as many cupboards in the kitchen!
• There is space for a tumble dryer...no more mount washmore because we ran out of space to dry laundry!
• It is around the corner from one of the biggest parks in Liverpool, great for perhaps starting going for some jogging?
• It is a self contained house, not a flat/appartment in a shared block, meaning no more drug addled neighbours stealing/opening my post before I get to it!
• The bathroom is downstairs, so my Granny can come and visit!
• It has a fitted wardrobe with mirrored doors so we won't need to fork out for a new one, and I'll finally have a full length mirror!
• It has a proper sized oven! BAKING SHALL HAPPEN!
• There is space enough for a dining room table, we can host parties and people will have chairs to sit on!
• Both the gas and electric meters are "normal" - no running out of gas and having to run to the shop to top it up in order to keep the heating on!

All in all, many many many reasons to be feeling excited about the move. We have a month to prepare, and I am starting today by doing a mega junk toss. Next weekend (ie pay day!) I shall be fetching some sturdy cardboard boxes and beginning to pack all the nick nacks that we don't use day to day. The place will be bland and undecorated, however I can live with that for a month given what will be waiting for us at the end of the road!

So yes, todays six word Saturday is a very happy one, and I can't wait to show you around my new house ^_^