Like a brick

I love autumn, and if you could hear me babbling on about Christmas plans at the minute you'd probably think I was some kind of rabid hyper active chipmunk.

But, it's just that time of the year. On the one hand, I'm happy the sun does not blind me into wakefulness at four in the morning, but on the other hand I can feel the bad side of the change of season. I've been fidgety all weekend and today it's really hit me quite hard.

I'm determined though not to let it get to me. I kinda just want to curl up in bed and hibernate till spring (getting out to wrap up presents and decorate for Christmas, of course!) but I cannot. You cannot just shut off from the world like that.

Last year I managed to get through winter without anti depressants, and I'm not going back on them (because coming off them gives me a really bad physical withdrawel, nothing sinister about them, just you can't really expect to stay on them forever!) and there's no point going for counselling because there's nothing to be counselled about. I just have to kick myself up the bum.

Something interesting to chew on. I often (and so do many others) turn to food to soothe my low moods, but I think I feel worse for wear today because I've had a bad weekend and I did binge on toast and cereal yesterday (first time in a while). I think that, hard as it is when you feel this way to stick to healthy eating in general (not just for weight loss) we make it worse for ourselves when we let ourselves go...our bodies feel better for being properly nourished, and whilst some people I know just don't get it, it's the physical side of depression and anxiety that's the worst.

So despite the fact that I've barely slept a wink all weekend and I can hardly keep my eyes open, I feel really weepy and woeful, I'm going to put on my makeup, grab me a serotonin laced banana, and go shopping (because it is payday, and what is there to feel sad about on payday?)

First I'm going to go and buy lovely Christmas presents for family and friends, and maybe even Ben. I'm going to treat myself to a lovely new lipstick to congradulate myself on my 17lbs loss (and also because the light pink I bought for work does not suit me at all and I need something other than my alternative harlot red shade because, you know, don't want to give the customers the wrong idea). Then when I'm all shopped out I'm going to ASDA to buy things we actually need. And Some lovely flowers, because my other lovely flowers are looking worse for wear, and a house always needs lovely flowers. And then I'm going to come home, nom on some apple, and go to ChildLine for more training. And hopefully by then some good old fresh air and sunshine will have brightened my spirits, and my fellow trainees are always good for a giggle. In fact, I think that if my attempts at faux pumpking pie making go well on Thursday I shall make one for them for our last training session on Sunday.

See, just talking about it makes me feel better already ^_^ but before I do any of that....I think I'm going to need some caffeine....

Fire up for Fall - Week Two

1 - What have you done this week to help achieve your goals?

Well, I haven't been on this 100%, however I've been keeping up the good work, remaining positive, keeping motivated. I managed to loose another pound this week even though I know I wasn't perfect all the time. I've returned to weighing in every day and logging it at The Hackers Diet to keep my mind focussed on the goal. I don't think I'm drinking all the water I should be, so I've started drinking a pint with my breakfast (I can easily down a pint of water) and class it as one of my vitamins in my mind to make it habitual (I certainly take pleanty of those!). The working out is still not what I'd call inspiring, but we're booking into the gym on Friday (Ben needs to get a special support for his ankle first) so that should pick up soon!

2 - What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

As stupid as it sounds, I took the time to blow dry my hair straight, and then put the straighteners on them the other day. It takes a good hour to do so (used to take two hours before I cut my hair in February) so normally I don't bother, I wear it curly (and clogged up with mousse!). It was nice to try something a little different.

3 - What is your talent? What are you good at?

I think I'm pretty good at cooking though the size of my flat and kitchen and cooking appliances means I can't entertain often so I can only get feedback from Ben ^_^ I'm pretty good at planning things out, and figuring out contingency plans (though implementing plans...not so much!). I'm good at reading maps...that's a useful skill at least! And in a not so useful skill I think my jewellery aking ventures usually turn out well...it's just finding the time and energy to spend on them!

4 - What's been the highlight of your week?

Taking my first few calls at ChildLine! Obviously I can't go into details, but I did actually help a couple of kids and they said I made them feel better and helped them with their woes, so I've been walking on sunshine ever since!

5 - What's your guilty pleasure TV?

Eastenders. None of my friends actually watch it, none of my family watch it...I just got dragged in one evening when there was nothing else on and it hooked me, damn it. Now I can't stop!

And now for my positive picture...

MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

I have to admit I can't be bothered to take a simple screen shot so it's just my ticker lol. Today it says 17lb lost...and it's a big finally moment for me! If you are reading this in the future just ignore whatever it says now, and take from me that today it says 17 lost and that is a great feeling ^_^

All filler

Today, someone got to this blog by searching for "Evil sexy stare"

Thanks for giving me a giggle, whoever you may be!

It's broken

My record of 16 pounds is broken today ^_^ I've lost 17 pounds, making this the biggest ammount of weight I've ever lost on any attempt to loose, and also making me the lightest I've been in about three or four years.

So I'm going to celebrate by appointing some of my weight watchers weekly points to a yummy mocha at costa, but not before cashing in that cheque that our former electricity supplier just sent us for overcharging us for a year (despite telling them they were doing that, apparently low life customer scum like us aren't to be believed that we in our one bed flat couldn't possibly be using as much as they claimed...but hey...thats another £150 towards Ansterdam!) scouting out pie tins in Lakeland for the scrummy low cal pumpkin pie I plan on making, and investigating the new Simply Be shop that opened today. Internet rumour has it they're giving out goody bags....and I'm a sucker for a freebie...

Then tonight I take my first ChildLine call. Bricking it, darlings, absoloutely bricking it.

This requires some energetic build up music....rocktastic playlist GO!

What are your fave build up tunes? Answers in the comments please, no postcards, we're trying to cut down on paper waste here!

Off it already?

Hey guys, just needed a little space to vent. I've a few things to vent about.

Firstly, all my weight loss buds out there should check out this article from the beeb. It's nothing mega or huge, however it does kind of give more of an answer to the eternal question "why am I plateauing" other than "you're just adjusting!".

Secondly, I want to rant about my banks fraud prevention. I have no problems with banks putting fraud prevention into place, hell I'd be sorry if ever my card was stolen or copied and the fraud prevention wasn't there....but there's absoloutely no consistency. I mean, just look at these examples...our card was blocked and we were called up about it way back when we went to pay our debts off...they were substantial ammounts of money after all and I can understand that, however embarrassing it was for it to happen when trying to pay for our dinner out.

Another notable time was when that thick skulled idiot in the virgin media shop decided that the name of the bank we use was our account name (and wouldn't be told otherwise when I pulled her up on it) when we first went along to get us a couple of phones on contract (being tired as we were of topping up all the time). Obviously our credit check failed, though she tried it three effing times, and once again that bank went...hold up...and blocked the card and called us up for it. Once again, completely understandable in a way.

But I cannot for the life of me understand why they pulled us up about it this morning. We're presuming it's the fact that we finally got round to ordering our new phones via the magic of telephone (personally I feel better speaking to an actual person about this stuff, but hell if I was going back in the virgin media shop after the last time) but that was a week ago (and so you would presume we'd be a bit fucked by now if it realy was fraudulent) and the list of transactions our bank gave us to ask if it was fraudulent or not was astounding...regular transactions of no suprising ammount at all from atm's and shops that we frequent on a day to day basis.

And it just makes me wonder, because my parents use the same bank as us and my mum has been called up about it too, but in other situations. For example she buys a lot of video games from amazon and play.com on behalf of my brother and sister and it's a pretty regular occurence...yet a couple of times she's been pulled up about that....however when I got paid last month (for the first time in over a year, so do forgive me) I pretty much went on a £300 shopping spree (it was like a binge, but without the food) all over Liverpool and then all over the internet too, on a clothes site I'd never ordered from before...but not a single batter of an eyelid was had by my bank.

I wonder about the first few times I visited Ben's family when we first got together, how I'd go a bit mad on the stop off in London, and wonder why no one pulled me up about that since I'd never been before. And the shopping we've done in Kent since then. Girl from Liverpool suddenly makes purchases in Blue Water of, once again, substantial ammounts compared to what she usually spends...but £7.50 is taken by a company which takes money from her account once a month and boy oh boy is there hell to pay! Mister Banker, it has to be said; your fraud team is inconsistent.

The third thing to be vented is that I'm tired. I won't be spending a single evening at home until Sunday, and haven't since Tuesday. I know it's mostly my own doing with the ChildLine stuff, and it's because it's the end of the course and we're being pushed out to go and save the chidlers of the UK and all that jazz, combined with work needing me in for evening shifts...but boy oh boy is it starting to take its toll. Whats quite shit about the whole situation is that some days, like today, I get to spend the whole day alone, then go out for training for a couple of hours, then I get to see Ben for like...two hours maximum before bed time. There's nothing to be done, I just wanted to say that I'm starting to feel a bit dragged down by it all, and will be glad when I can settle back into the only having to go there once a week routine.

Finally, last on my list of venting is that I've already dropped off of the bandwagon. We meant to have a lovely carbonara last week, however for one reason or another it didn't happen so we saved it for this week. Except I was a dunce and never checked the use by date on the sauce and we were supposed to be having it last night and in the end had to do some emergency quick thinking and replace carbonara with something else not so healthy if you catch my drift. First week into the autumn challenge and I'm already off plan. Combined with a sluggish run down feeling, I don't think I'll have lost come tomorrow and I feel like flash backs from last year where I got to this weight then it all went to hell.

However, whilst I may have already screwed goal number one, I'm keeping goal number six in mind. It's been a busy couple of weeks and if I maintain or even gain a pound or so, then so what, today is a new day, tomorrow marks the start of a new diet week. I've even given myself a little incentive...I'm currently at 321 pounds...when I get down to 310 (so less than a stone, totally doable!) I'm going to book myself in for a full Indian Head Massage...because they're amazing and I've only ever had partial treatments from my mum when she was training. I've never had a full one, and Ben can tell you, I love having my head and hair played with ^_^

Well, till later folks...and thanks for putting up with moaning myrtle here!

Big step

I'm absoloutely loving it at ChildLine, as I think I've mentioned time and time again on here...however, aside from listening in on phonecalls as part of our training, and practising our skills on each other, I've yet to actually counsel anyone.

Well, that's about to change. We passed around the sign up sheets for our first mentored shifts at training last night and the only one I could make will be this Friday on the late shift. I'll be the first one of our training group to do it, and the late Friday shift has been noted as one of the busiest ones going.

I think we're all feeling nervous about it. What if we get that big call...some poor soul whose had enough of it all and wants to kill themselves, some kid who is being abused in every which way by an adult. All of us in the group signed up because we want to help children in these circumstances...but we're all hyper aware that we're new to this, and we've all got that niggling worry that we might say something that is just 'wrong'.

Our tutors have been really very helpful and supportive, and assure us that if we didn't have the skills or the right attitude to do it, they would not be letting us on the phones. I suppose that should really go without saying, but when self doubt comes knocking at your door it is relieving to hear someone say that. They've also said that there's very little that you can say that is wrong or damaging, just different ways of approaching a situation, some better than others. And of course, these first shifts will be mentored....whilst we can't end the call or pass it off to someone else, however serious it gets, we will have someone there with us, listening and offering advice, support and feedback...and suggestions should our minds go blank!

The course so far has been really amazing, and I think it has taught me more about myself than I do about child protection or the way that, for example, the NSPCC works now that we're coming to the end of it. Pretty much everyone else in the group feels the same way. I was speaking to a couple of the mothers on the group who were saying they've developed a much greater awareness of their children, and have even improved their relationships with them. It has forced us all to start thinking outside of the box when it comes to dealing with people in general, and when people make little throwaway statements you begin to realise the depths that lie behind them, you begin to realise there's a whole story and a whole ocean of complex issues behind that simple little statement.

I used to say that it takes "a special kind of person" to do this kind of thing, but there's nothing particularly amazingly special about the volunteers at ChildLine. I think just about everyone I've met through this has an amazingly unselfish spark in them, but they are otherwise just your everyday caring, compassionate people. As for my training group, we all feel like better people, even after just doing the training. Nicer, more understanding people. I'd seriously encourage anyone and everyone to volunteer. Maybe not this if you didn't feel you could cope, something else perhaps. Make sure it's something you're passionate about or enjoy. I used to volunteer twice a week in a red cross charity shop. I wish I could say I enjoyed it or was passionate about it, but whilst i truly believe the red cross does brilliant work I can safely say I was neither passionate nor eager to spend those days there. It was possibly because I was coerced and pushed into it, but there you go. If you're going to volunteer, you need to do it off of your own back, and you can't give yourself whole heartedly if you don't feel passionate about it.

Finally, it has to be said, if you know anyone in the UK under the age of 18 who needs to talk to someone impartial, none judgemental and in confidence, get them to give us a call on 0800 1111. We don't just talk to abused children. Anyone whose having a bit of a rough time, whether that be exam stress or boyfriend problems can call ChildLine, to talk about anything they like.

Fire up for Fall - Week One

It's Autumn...and boy oh boy is it Autumn! I can almost taste Winter in the air, but that's probably me getting way ahead of myself and getting much too excited for Christmas way before time. So without further ado, and without tripping over myself for holiday festivities (I mean come on, less than 100 days!!!!) let us concentrate on the here and now and I'll get myself sorted for this season first!

1 - What are your goals for the fall challenge?

1. Stick to my diet plan 100%
2. Get into the habit of drinking 4 pints of water a day
3. Work towards hitting point 3 in my PCOS action plan
4. Work out at least 90 minutes a week
5. Loose 5 pounds
6. Don't beat yourself up if things go slow

2 - Why have you chosen those goals?

I've explored them all more on my challenge page but in brief the reasons behind my goals are;

1. I haven't got a good track record of sticking to my diet plans when push comes to shove and the going gets tough. No more excuses. If I want to loose this weight and get a bun in my oven before I'm too old for it anyway (because lets face it that's the only reason I'm seriously up for this at all) I need to stick to it.
2. I know from experience that I find it easier to loose weight when I'm drinking this much water a day, but like everything else it's a case of having lost the habit.
3. This plan isn't a weight loss plan, it is a plan to eat healthily in order to kick my ovaries in the nuts (lol). By the time I hit point ten and am fully following the plan my entire outlook on food and my relationship with it will have changed completely (it will have had to in order for me to follow it at all!)...it's going to take a lot of time to implement all of the points, and point three is where it starts to get difficult (for me, at least), so I think reaching and sticking with point three by the end of the ten weeks will be a major victory in itself.
4. Need to work out to loose weight and improve fertility and reduce chances of prematurely popping it. I lead a very sedentary life. Need to kick start my engine house and get my rear in gear! Also, starting the gym in a couple of weeks...I need to get into the habit of going! Once I'm in the habit of going I can begin to make tougher challenges for myself in this area of my life.
5. Whilst I'm making all these healthy changes to my life, it would be nice to loose a few pounds in the process ;)
6. I always get discouraged when the going slows down, and get off track. I'm so easily led astray! So I need to keep everything in perspective. I need to acknowlege that I will face these feelings during the next ten weeks, and know that I will not just give up on myself yet again.

3 - What have you done this week to make yourself feel fabulous?

I hit the 16 pounds lost mark! I've already blogged about why this is a major personal milestone for me, so I won't go into it again. But I do feel great for it, I feel a tad smaller and my work shirts already fit better (not much because they are poorly designed, but better nontheless) which makes me feel less of a twit at work!


4 - What do you think will be your biggest challenge in reaching your goals?

Dealing with the negative feelings that inevitably come when progress is halting and slow. Staying motivated, and not letting those feelings overwhelm me. There is a reason I never hit my "loose ten pounds" goal over Summer, and this is it. It didn't matter so much because for much of the challenge it wasn't about weight loss, it was about lifestyle as a whole. I didn't start off in the right place, mentally, to even consider loosing that ammount of weight. I've done a lot of thinking and introspection over the past month, however (as is evident on my blog!) and am now mentally, physically and financially invested in it. I can't think of a time in the past five years where I've been better equipped to finally get up and do it than I am now, and if I balls it up by becoming unmotivated or defeated then I'll be doing myself a massive disservice...I'll be letting a lot of people down, not just myself, so this time it has to be for real.

5 - Where in the world do you live? What's amazing about it?

I live in Liverpool, and let me just say, what's not amazing about it? Ok ok there is an awful lot about it that isn't exactly stella...especially in my neighbourhood...but on the whole, I love the place. I'm not from Liverpool originally (check out my sisters blog for more about my homeland), but since moving back to my home town or to Ben's is not an option, I can't think of a better place to be "in exile". It has history, it DOES have culture (despite what the nay sayers think!) in fact it has a rather distinct one all of its own, it is possibly one of the best cities to have fun in, and it is situated so perfectly, nestled up against both mountains and the sea. Ok the people are all absoloutely bonkers, I've yet to meet a local who is quite all there in the head...but that just means I'm surrounded by my own kind! They all know how to have a laugh, and a more family oriented bunch of people you will have a hard time to find here in England. Cameron may talk of a broken society and the collapse of the family...but if you glance in the wrong way at someone here, expect to have their cousin thrice removed who they've never met before baying for your blood. It's brilliant. It's mad. It's awesome :)

And now for a positive picture! Since I've yet to figure out all the new and wonderful photography features on my shiny new phone....I shall start with the best thing I have to a full length "before" picture...

This was just before Christmas when I'd put all my weight back on for the first time. It's positive in only a roundabout way I suppose...I LOVE that dress, and I love my curly curly hair and I love my style. I love an awful lot about myself. And despite how humongous I am here, and that this Christmas was going to be one of those stupid "first one without..." ones and I was out of work and skint, and we thought Ben was about to be made redundant...I'm so happy! And that night was pretty damn amazing! I have one of those photo keyrings of me and 2 of my best mates in the whole damn world taken on this night, and it makes me feel happy whenever I see it cause that night was just brilliant. I'm not in circumstances quite as shit as I was when this picture was taken...in fact I couldn't have asked for a better out come really, all things considered. I want to hold onto everything about this picture, how I feel happy and content despite the feeling that everything was collapsing all around us, and use that positive energy to help me stick to my goals. At the end of this challenge I'm going to put that dress on again, and I'll be damned if I look as fat in it as I do here come ten weeks time!