Monday, 31 October 2011

FUFF - Week Seven

Just a quickie this week. I haven't the energy or impetus to answer questions this week. I'm not ill or down, it's just I've got so many other things to be getting on with, but I didn't want to leave you hanging, and with NaNo starting tomorrow I kinda didn't want to put it off till them, as I'll be too busy writing my novel :p

Basically, no movement on the scales this week which is really dissapointing because if I went by my figures on Thursday I could have put down a 2 pound loss....however a last minute unplanned splurge and not getting my third gym day in last week (was too busy!) meant I put it back on by official Friday weigh in...and this weekend of course I was at Leeds and then I took a friend out for his's not a pretty picture and this week is dedicated to damage control and getting back on track. I've got myself a few tools, I'm self helping with CBT to overcome it (I became intrigued by the Beck book Rebecca has been talking about and decided to give it a spin myself) and picked up a notebook, index cards and post it notes today....indeed I hoped to make my first response cards tonight, just straight after I get back from the gym.

Leeds was awesome and the opera of course beautiful. Tchaikovsky wrote The Queen of Spades around the same time as he wrote the score for the ballet of Sleeping Beauty (I think that's what the program said...I'm sure Charlotte will correct me if I'm wrong!) and you can tell. Sleeping Beauty being one of my favourite Disney movies I of course was more than enchanted....but the recognisability of the music thanks to ballet and Disney's interpretations aside, it was dark and spooky and captivating. The Countess in wow...And now of course I can cross another task off of my Day Zero List ;)

Sorry for the nonexistent post...but Im sure I'll catch you soon :)

Monday, 24 October 2011

Fire up for Fall - week six

1 - What have you done to achieve your goals this week?

This week I kinda just vegged. I still lost half a pound, this probably because we only went to the gym twice as opposed to three times (still made my 90 minute workout target though!) and this colder weather has given me the carb munchies again. Bread has once again been banished from the house (I stopped eating healthy chicken salad sandwiches and started gorging on toast again) so all things considered I've not done too bad. This week I got weight watchers ready meals for my lunch instead of sandwich things...I hate ready meals (they taste alright but I feel like such a cheat having them at home!) but if having a ready meal stops me from bingeing on bread again then I know what I'd rather have!

2 - What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

Retail therapy...I now have a lovely new scarf and a big blue hippy shirt with big hippy sleeves. I love big hippy sleeves ^_^

3 - Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets your fired up?

I need to listen to music when I work out otherwise time just drags. When watching the tv I keep clock watching, but I go into my own head when I listen to music and before I know it it's all over. Sometimes I like something fast to get me going but in general I will listen to anything on my favourites playlist. It's not always so much about getting fired up as something to get my mind wandering and away from watching the seconds ticking down. When I do need to get fired up it really just depends on my mood, but something quick and bouncy. Recently it's been Lady Gaga and Red Hot Chili Peppers on my work out playlist. Maybe now that I've said that I'll go and change it round ready for tonights gym session just for fun :p

4 - What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?

Anything from my teen years, pretty much! It makes me feel cringey but there's something so fulfilling about it! More about memory lane than the music itself.

5 - If today were a song, what would it be?

I wish it could be Christmas every day. Sorry guys, but I'm getting way too excited about Christmas, much too het up, and I want it to be here now so I can have everywhere decorated and sparkly!

Speaking of Christmas this leads me on to my positive picture. It's positive because it's demonstrative of the encroaching festive season....

Found this shop full of festive decorations in Liverpool One (where Zavvi used to be, for anyone in Liverpool who may be interested) and it was just full of gorgeous things. Everything from massive wicker deer that were taller than me (I had it in mind to buy one and sling it to the roof since I don't have a garden...) to candles and sweeties and calendars was just full of lovelies! It makes me so happy to browse through lovely Christmas things like this. I could have bought the entire shop out and not bought a single thing I didn't desire.

Well...except the Steam Trains calendar...

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Thankful Thursdays

Life's Journey with a Smile

For being fitter than I have been in near enough four years
For having a job
For having the opportunity to give my time at ChildLine
For having the gas working again just in time for central heating weather to kick in! 
For having an awesome husband who can actually cook (even if I do take the mick out of his past attempts!) and will go to the gym with me
For passing my maths test at work today (and thus keeping aforementioned job!)
For snuggly warm cups of tea that I've treat myself to
For weight watchers mini magnum bars whose sweet, chocolate covered delightfulness have kept me sane whilst dieting
For having a blog that I can rant at or write soppy crap like this in
For Ann Robinson, because she makes Ben scream obscenities at the tv which keep me thoroughly entertained on a Thursday night
For my mum not having to go on insulin
For my family being happy and healthy on the whole and not miserably dying of starvation out on the street, or some other such horrid dire thing 
For me not miserably dying of starvation out on the street, come to think of it....

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

It's (almost) that time of year again!

Only thirteen days to go till the beginning of National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo as it is known...and the inspiration behind NaBloPoMo) and I'm in a bit of a pickle...this time last year I had my concept, my schedule, each chapter planned out in relatively awesome detail and had even drawn a map (albeit on photoshop, but it was an awesome map!) of the make believe world in which the story would be taking place. I was chomping at the bit to get going.

Welcome to my marriage right now...
This time round...I still can't wait to start...but I've not done a single bit of prep and I'm worried I won't have the time or energy or impeutus as I did last year (when I was unemployed and thus had all the time in the world but still struggled some days to even look at it). Ben has been encouraging me to do it but not as a NaNo because he is of the opinion that my idea is too good for a NaNo. I am of a differing opinion, but the differing levels of confidence in my abilities and originality that my husband and I have aside...I have no real desire to write as anything but a hobby, a challenge, a bit of time out...and if I didn't write this for NaNo then not only would it never have a chance in hell of being completed at all, but also I wouldn't have a clue what else to write....and I LOVE participating in NaNo, it really is so much fun!

But I haven't the foggiest of where I'm going to start. I know the beginning, I know the end, I know some of the little twists and scandals that are going to happen along the way, I know there's actually going to be character development, shattering realisations and revelations about the characters. But I don't know what's going to actually happen to bring these things about. I need to sit down and write out a chapter by chapter plan in order to get a better picture, then fill in the blanks.

I'm probably going to be very quiet over the month of November, and when I do post my posts will probably all revolve around the fact that I'm frustrated/struggling/ready to hack my computer into pieces/about to give up but can't because I have to finish the damn story as well as hit the winning word count in order to complete one of my day zero list challenges.

It's going to be a fun month...and even if you haven't the tiniest interest in banging out an entire novel throughout the month of November, I hope you have fun following me in my journey to do so :)

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Fire up for Fall - Week 5

Sorry for the late post this week...I got up early yesterday to go and get my flu jab (booo!) and then went straight to the gym (yaaaay!) which is taking much longer now that our instructor has upped our workouts and given us weights (kinda boo for time but yay for progress!). I came back home for lunch (left over lasagne from the night before, and absoloutely delicious it was too) and then went out almost straight away to ChildLine for a double shift (because we need to do at least ten shifts in our first two months) so I didn't get home till half eleven...I'm starting to feel a little stretched out with all of this. I'm back in work tonight, and whilst I'm happy because our money woes are subsiding and I can get to the gym and fund my voluntary stunts, I just wish I had some kind of routine because it feels right now that the only time I actually get to see poor Ben is one or two evenings a week. Actually, it's him I feel most sorry about in all of this!

But everyone goes through these times. I know I'm building a foundation for the future through this, financially, physically and through experience too so it's ok. There will be a payoff and then I'll be glad I did ll of this :)

Now to stop complaining and get to the meat of the post! Fuff!

1 - What have you done this week to achieve your goals?

I wish I could say they've all been at the forefront of my mind...but whilst I've not been paying too much attention to how much water I'm drinking, nor how often I eat, and I've not exactly been strict on the weight watchers side of things...all of my goals have been set around the desire to lose weight, and I've started losing again! I lost another pound for my Friday weigh in (bringing me down to 22st 11lb) and I weighed in another pound lighter still today. It must be the working out that's doing it because God knows I've slipped up elsewhere! In fact working out at least 90 minutes every week is probably the only thing I'm excelling in right now...I'm doing quite a bit more than that!

2 - What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I had a lovely afternoon/evening with the ladies. Sometimes you just need some girl time!

3 - It's halfway through the can change one or more of your goals... 

I don't think I want to change anything. I really believe that whilst I'm not always keeping all of them in mind and not always achieving them all, if I reduce them just to meet them I'll feel I have leeway to do them less....but if I increase them I'll just feel dejected if I can't hit them. I think things are already working out good for me, the whole point of these goals was to help get healthy and build up healthy habits with weight loss in mind, and they are working on these fronts...I feel healthier than I have in a long while!

4 - What's your worst habit and have you ever tried to tackle it? Do you want to?

I'm a professional procrastinator and a major league lazy bones. I tried to tackle it during the Summer challenge...I'm much better now, and I'm getting better all the time :) I absoloutely do want to change my ways because you don't achieve much in life from sitting around waiting for the world to come to you!

5 - Would you rather have burgers for feet or sausages for fingers?

Burgers for feet. I could get on in life if my feet were useless but if I didn't have dexterous fingers I couldn't use a computer or my phone, I couldn't knit or hold a book or wrap wire and beads together or embroider or sew. I mean, if I couldn't sew, where would Ben be? He'd actually have to sew his own buttons back on and fix his trouser seams himself! We'd have to buy him a new set of work clothes every week, if I couldn't sew we'd be bankrupt!

Haaah. Only kidding sweetie darling. Love you xx

Besides. If I had sausages for fingers, I'd eat them, and then I'd be in an even worse predicament, with feet for feet and nothing for fingers.

Finally, this weeks positive picture!

This is my weight loss chart since July. As we can see I went right up to 333 pounds at the beginning of August (ahem, parental visit, ahem) but today is my lowest weight of 318 pounds. It's not quite as smooth a curve right now as I haven't been weighing in every single day (not at weekends) but you can't deny the overall downward trend :). Many people say only weigh in once a week, but with a chart like this I feel really motivated to weigh in every day and only count my official weigh in on Friday as my progress for my trackers etc.

It also helps me to see trends. Through July I kept my weight written down but I didn't log it here (I came back halfway through August and started logging almost every day again) I admit I wasn't weighing every day so I've gone in later and filled in the gaps for the sake of making it look smooth and pretty...but all the time I thought I was staying stationary actually not so much, I was fluctuating up and down quite a bit. Still, you can see from the graph (aside from where I momentarily stopped weighing in again in September) that I've managed to get my weight into a generally loosing trend again. It also gives helpful statistics like on average since July I'm loosing just over half a pound a week...a slow but steady pace which, if I can continue in this way, is just fine for getting to five pounds lost during this challenge.

Anyway explanations and analysis aside, this is one of my biggest tools right now, it shows that even where it looks on paper like I'm not loosing a thing, actually things are going down quite nicely :) Or, up, in some cases...And I'm liking the downwards trend that shows up for the last couple of months :D

Thursday, 13 October 2011


I lost again on Tuesday, bringing my weight down to 22st 11 lb, which is 319lb and a total of 18lb lost. By today I'd gone up by a half a pound, which was kind of annoying; I hope I can register a "real" loss on the scale tomorrow, which is my weigh in day, and break the steady flat lining my weight has managed to keep these past couple of weeks.

But even if it doesn't, I've seen progress elsewhere. My belt for one has run out of holes, my ankles are decidedly less puffy, the lovely blue enamelled ring my mum and dad bought me to commemorate my 15th birthday almost fits the finger it was bought to fit on! For the past couple of years, it couldn't even slide past the knuckle...progress indeed!

We had our second session with our lovely gym instructor last night, and she asked us how we'd been doing. She's programmed us both in for intervals on the treadmill, which are frankly brilliant; with her adjustments our average rate of calorie burning has gone up from about 150 cals per session to 420 cals, which considering that we have only increased the time of the cardio workout by 15 minutes is rather impressive, and just goes to show that sometimes there's nothing better than having someone who knows what they're doing in the drivers seat.

She also gave us some resistance training to do, which does count towards our increased calorie burning, but only by a small fraction. For me it's leg abduction and adduction for my thunder thighs, and pulldowns and tricep presses for my bingo wings and back. Ben too has the pulldowns and tricep presses, but he then has some more "manly" weights for his, ahem, moobs. Not that he asked for them in particular, but we both asked for some general all round body toning, and she said, well, men usually don't bother trying to shape up their thighs, aside from those guys who go around posturing and go on every weight machine there is, put it on the highest weight possible, and then use the incorrect technique and end up looking impressive to anyone who doesn't know better but actually may as well be sitting infront of the tv doing nothing.

Indeed a fair few young lads who happened to be stood around as she hammered this home to us looked a little sheepish as they listened in to our session, indeed we even saw one young fellow doing exactly what she told us (or rather, Ben in this case) not to before she showed us how its done. He scarpered away pretty quickly, but to me, aside from a giggle we shared with our instructor, it just made me glad we decided to pay the extra for the personal training and programming we're now receiving.

I asked about something for my stomach; of course I'm eager to get something there to pull in my ample belly as I start to loose the fat there, and apparently the best thing for that is balance ball exercises for your core muscles...however we have to go for another session in two weeks time and she'll show me how it's done then. For now I'm chuffed that in the space of a week my fitness has already improved to a level where 30 minutes was once a struggle but now I'm doing 45 minutes, and I love doing the weights; I love the thought of being nice and toned once I'm smaller, and not soft, pudgy and weak. I also love the thought of not waiting till I've lost the weight to tone up, and getting it out of the way now so that when it comes to weight maintenance I can focus on doing just that; maintaining a fantastic body.

But that is indeed a long way off for now. Until then I'm happy seeing all the little bits of progress that I'm making towards that goal, and feeling myself becoming stronger, healthier, and thinner on the way.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Fire Up for Fall - Week 4

1 - What have you done this week to achieve your goals?

Stick to my diet plan 100%
Or not. I'm doing a bit of 80/20. But every day. I've not been giving it 100% at all. Don't get me wrong, I've not been making terrible decisions or choices, and our main meals have been fine, but I've been slipping here and there. Thankfully I've not slipped off the bandwagon altogether, so I'm ok for now, but as of Saturday just gone we've been paying special attention to getting things right.

Get into the habit of drinking 4 pints of water a day
I've been drinking a mix of juice and water, but altogether I would say my consumption of sugar free none fizzy pop type stuff is around about the four pints mark.

Work towards step three of my PCOS plan
I've been slipping back again on this...yes we're eating more whole foods in general which is great (and is step two), and less sugar (which is step three), but I'm sliding on step one (the eat every three hours one). This week, I am endeavouring to make sure this happens. Starting as of right now. It's going to be a big focus for me because my weight loss has yet again come to a halt, but it was fine before when I was working on doing this, so I think that for whatever reason, this must be one of the things that really works for me.

Work out at least 90 minutes each week
Hello success!

Loose 5 pounds
Well, I've lost two pounds since the beginning of the challenge, but for the past couple of weeks I've been all slowed down to 0, yet again. That's ok though. There are various reasons for that, and I'm not putting on at all, so as I said, I'm refocussing on my eating routine this week as well as sticking closely to the plan and we shall see what we shall see come Friday's weigh in.

Don't beat yourself up when things go slow
I'm not. I understand why I've not lost the past couple of weeks, I'm keeping it all in perspective. I haven't gone "oh well screw it then" and flung in the towel and just gorged myself, which happened a couple of times over the Summer. Keeping this in mind has really helped me to stay as close to the track as I have instead of flying way off the rails.

2 - What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

Well, it was Jay's birthday this week so we all went out for drinks. It's been a while since I've seen Jay and Blue, and it was brilliant to catch up with them. Lots of laughs were had. The girls and I made arrangements for a girlie evening this coming Saturday. I had some cheesecake that I wasn't really supposed to have but it was ok, I had the breathing room for it. The next day I felt terrible (I only had three drinks! What am I turning into, an old woman? Argh!) and Ben and I hit the gym, and suddenly we felt wonderful again! Anyhow, the whole Friday evening to Saturday mid day was fantastic and I felt fabulous indeed just to spend quality time around friends.

3 - What's your go to food or activity when you've had a bad day?

Oh, just food in general. It depends on my mood and resources. Generally it's a toss up between chocolate and crisps. Until July, I was regularly having both every night just to soothe my bad moods and make up for the horrific calorie deficit I was putting myself through. Thankfully this is a habit that we've shaken.

4 - What is the last thing you did that you are really proud of

The whole ChildLine thing, it's awesome :) I feel proud every time I get off the phone to someone who says thanks!

5 - What was your favourite subject at school? Your least?

Geography, without a doubt, was my favourite. I have a fascination with the way people live, how they live, how they organise themselves, and also about how the Earth works, all the systems within and on the surface too. Loved it, still do. My least? Well you know, I never really liked PE but if you made me choose between that and Maths, maths would get dropped every time. I loathed it, was never any good at it at all. Still aren't. Somehow I managed to scrape a B in my GCSE's, I'll never know how I managed that.

And finally my positive picture for the week (not that I've been exceptionally brilliant in popping one up every week but never mind!)

Me and Ben on Friday. Like I said before, it was a lovely night out, but a few people have said I'm looking pretty good here, and I think I am too. There's nothing quite like seeing a good picture of yourself to make you feel great!

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Post gym awesomesauce (part two)

We approached the gyms own reception desk apprehensively, having to push our way past a group of skinny young boys barely if at all out of school, not a scrap of stubble to be seen amongst them and none as tall as Ben, who really isn't that tall. They eyed us up and I immediately felt completely self conscious. The guy behind the desk was grabbing his bag as I started to say "we're here for an induction" and cut me off mid flow by simply pointing at something behind me. I turned back to where the boys were huddled around a touch screen monitor on a pedestal as a tiny tanned lady showed them how it was done.

Feeling our eyes on her she beamed up at us with a wide, white, reassuring smile.

"Are you here for the induction? Have you filled out your forms yet?"

She fetched us said forms, the usual array of medical questionnaires.

"I'll be with you now, just fill these in while I finish off this induction. We've been absoloutely inundated this week!"

We sat at a little coffee table carefully filling in our vital statistics and going over the medical questions. Whilst we're not the very picture of robust good health, thankfully the only serious thing either of us has to contend with is my asthma so it was a case of ticking all the boxes, and then we sat back waiting. We joked, somewhat nervously, and kept glancing to and fro. By this point, the gym had emptied quite dramatically and aside from the group of young fellows having their inductions there were only about five other people there, all very much focussed on their own progress, in the zone as it were.

At this point I caught my reflection in one of the large mirrors up along the back of the gym. Usually it's full body mirrors that really cripple my self confidence; that and a camera... I have a severely distorted view, in my mind, of how my body actually looks (that is, in my mind I look much slimmer than what turns up in the mirror or in photos) and whilst that's great when I'm strutting down the street giving it all that, it's terrible whenever I catch that glimpse of myself.

Of course, I had been worried about how I would look in my gym outfit. I'd eventually decided to stick with the vest top I bought for the occassion, but was still not feeling too good about it. But I realised as I looked over into the mirror at myself...actually, for once, the mirror showed a picture that was actually better than what I expected to see. I didn't see "a big butch dyke" (as I'd told Ben I felt like when I first put it on) but an overweight lady who looked no worse than any other overweight lady in a gym kit that I've ever seen. In fact,  my gear seemed to be rather slimming, all things considered.

Of course, that could be my actual weight loss showing through, as I have been registering a slight loss in the tape measure department,.

 So with the gym nearly empty now, the boys thoroughly distracted by the exercise bikes and my realisation that actually I didn't look even half as terrible as I expected to, I began to feel much more at ease. Ben made a quip about how it would be nice to see just one person with a belly like his, and I made a quip back that hey, here I am! He agreed that despite how busy it had been just moments before it really had quietened down and besides, no body else really cared about us two at all.

 Finally the tiny woman with the massive smile came back and went through our forms. She double checked I had my medication with me and she set up our mywellness keys and accounts so we could use the gym equipment and track our progress, explaining that for now we'd have a basic thirty minute cardio programme on there and that we'd come back to see her later to get a personalised programme suited to what we want out of our training.

She showed us the magic touch screen, which turned out to be the log in system, explaining that no log in means no work out; the key is needed to activate the machines, and the log in is needed to activate the key. She gave us our information to access our workout info online, watched us using the machines, showed us how the key works with the weights, and finally arranged an appointment with us to get our personal programmes sorted (this Wednesday!)

And then we were left to it, and we got in a nice easy thirty minutes.

Ben finally "got" what I meant by getting into your zone, and feeling the good exercise endorphins. We left on an absoloute high, and even the ten minute wait in the rain for our taxi home didn't seem at all bad.

Since our initial visit we went again on Saturday morning and left again with the same awesome high. This was especially wonderful since we'd been drinking at a friends birthday do the night before and were feeling a little worse for wear at first.

Well, I was. Ben didn't and he drank more than me. After only two G&T's and a fruity cranberry juice and amaretto cocktail, I'm starting to think I'm becoming a delicate wee flower when it comes to alcohol, but like the sudden realisation that ASDA pizza isn't all that after all, I don't think this is a bad thing...more like my body telling me it likes the new, healthier diet of fresh home cooked food and litres of water or juice.

The only thing now is keeping it up. I've really enjoyed it, and I'll feel even better once I have my programme with weights to do. The real issue is getting the time to go. On evenings when I'm not either at work or ChildLine I can try to schedule a session in with Ben, but I have no guarantee of numbers of evenings off. Ben has already said he will start going when I'm at work on an evening to make sure he gets all his work outs in, and so by rights I need to go during the day when he's at work if I'm at work in the evening...but whilst it's one thing to kick up courage to go with your best beloved, it's another thing to do it on your own.

Still, it will probably not be so bad. After all, people go to work through the day, it may well be quite quiet. I guess I shall find out on Tuesday, if I'm not stuck in waiting for a British Gas engineer to turn up to see to our broken gas meter...but that is an entirely different rant story.

Till then!

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Post gym awesomesauce (part one)

As I was at work through the day and then had to dash straight to ASDA to grab the ingredients for Christmas cake (because it isn't Christmas without spicy fruit cake!)  I really didn't have time to get het up about the gym, but sat on the bus stop with my gym kit clutched awkwardly in my hand and people going too and fro with their own bags of sport gear I began to feel pretty self conscious.

I met Ben outside St. Anthony's (a lovely big church, must remember to have a nosey around there some time) and we past down the little alleyway that cuts between it and the Throstles Nest, the same alleyway which I've cut down every Tuesday since August to get to ChildLine, and onto Great Homer Street. It's not a bad area by comparison to some areas of Liverpool; all big shady deciduous trees starting to loose their leaves now that autumn is here, but still leafy enough to provide me (who went out sans raincoat or umbrella...) with some shelter from the drizzle which was now steadily falling. It was twilight, and the trees were casting all kinds of crazy shadows, and the sky was a cornucopia of purple rainclouds of all sorts of textures.

Ok, yes, very pretty, what has this got to do with the gym? Well I was taking a lot of notice of all of this trying not to think about the fact that there were a lot of young, fit looking folk going into the sports centre at which the gym is based with their tennis rackets and football kits (they have all weather football pitches, you see).

Ben was obviously feeling pretty ill at ease over this too, commenting that it was a lot busier than he thought it would be at seven in the evening. I wondered if it should be common sense...younger folk playing football will have been at school all day, older folk in the gym or attending Zumba would have been at work all day. This was exactly the time that we should have expected it to be busy.

We passed a lot of young folk hanging around, eyeing us up. I had hoped to see just one other larger person, but everyone here was fit as a fiddle and I really felt like we were standing out like big sore thumbs. Queuing up at reception was a horrific experience, and I played it down by trying to encourage Ben and banter with him, as he looked even more horrified than me.

The receptionist was lovely and showed us around, before letting us get changed and informing the instructor who would be doing our induction know we were here. When we finally entered the gym to find it full to bursting with a lot of fit, well built men everywhere we turned, I think both of our hearts sunk.

But since I now have to head off to work, you shall have to wait and see how we got on :)


Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Pre Gym jitters

Ben and I have our Gym induction tomorrow evening. It will take about half an hour, we'll get a personalized programme to follow on what is essentially (from what I understand) like a data pen which you plug into the machines (including weights, from what I've read) and it helps you track your progress etc and Im also pretty sure you can log into your account at home too.

Which is brilliant and gadgety and wonderful and I'm really eager to build up some stats on it and see myself getting better. I've already spoken about how the gadgetry that surrounds gyms is what keeps me motivated....and this is a whole other level that I never had when I was 16/17 and going.

Still I'm really nervous now. I said that before I wasn't, but I liken it to training at was something I wanted to do for a while, and when I was just observing calls I wanted to take over, but when it came to doing it myself I bricked it till after the first call was over.

Hopefully I'll have a similar experience here. I'm feeling anxious and self concious about my body, which I can put my hand on my heart and say I haven't felt for a while. I certainly wasn't thinking I might feel this anxious when I picked out my gym clothes, and picked out a really long black vest top with a massive pink cupcake on the front. I got that because I thought it would be really quite hilarious for a fat girl to show up at the gym sporting a cupake on her boobs. Actually, I still do. I just don't want that to be me on my first go ^_^ Actually the thing that bothers me is my massive shoulders. I think I may well have to dig out a different t-shirt with sleeves (if I still have any).

I think one of my big fears is that when I last went to a gym there was a weight limit on the machines, and I was very nearly over that limit....what if I can't use the gym because I'm too heavy? And then I also worry about what if I have to stop and use my inhaler halfway through a workout?

I'm going to stop there before I end up talking myself out of it again. This time on Thursday I'll no doubt be gagging for more the way I was the day after my first call. I can't wait for the results of my's just setting out in the first place!

And I have to think, at the end of the day, this time round I actually have someone to go with me :)

Monday, 3 October 2011

Fire Up for Fall - Week Three

1 - What have you done this week to work towards your goals?

I've not lost any weight this week, and this goes hand in hand with not necessarily sticking strictly to plan, so there's two of my goals I've not stuck to. What can I say, I become weak willed when cooking goodies for friends (and I spent a goodly ammount of this week experimenting with pumpkin pie and all its glories so I could take some to ChildLine yesterday for our end of training mini party thing we a week and a half I'll be fully "graduated" from there! But I digress...) so the coming off of plan is mainly down to baked goods and also buffet goods. It was a one off affair and everyone cooked such lovely things. Am I starting to sound like I'm making bad excuses? Yes? Ah well tough cheese, it was lovely and I had a lovely time. I'm not phased by it, as I'm pretty sure I'll be on the losing team again by weigh in day (which would be Friday) and all of my other goals (the water, the new eating habits, the working out and the remaining positive about this and not just giving up at the first sign of trouble) are pretty much all hunkering along according to plan!

Oh yeah, and we finally booked our gym induction, this Wednesday, can't wait :D

2 - What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

Over the course of the past week I've had a mini assessment at work, mentored/assessed shifts at ChildLine, extra training days, shopping to do for Xmas and as I mentioned, made yummy baked goods for our end of training party. So I spent a day on Thursday sat firmly on my bum just relaxing and taking some time to smell the roses. As much as during the last challenge I wanted to combat that particular behavioral problem it seems to me now like its a luxury to grasp on to!

3 -  Where do you see yourself in five years? What are your goals? Ambitions?

I would hope I've lost enough weight by then to regain fertility or qualify for fertility treatment. I hope I'll either be a fully qualified counselor or well on my way to qualifying (working through the many hundreds of hours of  'practise' you need to do before qualifying). Maybe we'll have got off our bums and moved somewhere else, like an actual house with actual space.

4 - Give us a tip or fact. About anything, what is something great you've heard that everyone should know?

Uuuuhhhhh. My mind goes blank now. Apparently 50% of cavemen were left handed. That's interesting. Not that it's something considerably useful to know, but it's interesting...

5 - What's your most recent dream that you can remember

From last night, it involved running through an appartment building. Not sure why. I have a lot of being chased  dreams. The other night I was being chased by a chinese dragon that was made out of flimsy planks of wood all hinged together. Go figure!