Hang Over

I've had a bit of a "low" spell recently, as I think I may have mentioned in my post on quitting sugar. This week has been a terrible week for trying to get over said low spell, involving various different people in various different areas of my life getting ill or stressy or whatever. I've been tossing and turning all night and it's been difficult to drag any kind of motivation out of the depths of my...motivational storing device. Whatever/wherever that is.

Still, despite feeling so blue and lacking in motivation, I've managed to lose 8 pounds since I decided to give up sugar. 8 pounds! That kind of weight only ever comes off me after long and arduous ammounts of dieting and workouts. Yet here I am, just over a week of no sugar and 8 pounds lighter! Perhaps there's something to be said about the effects of sugar on women with PCOS.

Still, I'm a little dubious as to whether I'll be able to record such a loss come official weigh in on Monday. My lovely doctor and a psychiatrist from the crisis team have had a head to head with the lovely therapists I'm going to see in 3 months time (or however long the waiting list is...) and the crazy people nurse I saw and decided to change up my meds. I can't tell you how excited I was about this, I've been told it can be a great starting point when you hit a brick wall. Mirtazapine was prescribed and went skipping away happy. Almost.

I read the long list of side effects. Drowsiness...increased appetite and with it weight gain...dizzyness...to be brutally honest with you, nothing unusual from an anti depressant. I can officially say, however, that after one pill (taken over 24 hours ago) I'm only just starting to feel hung over. After a relatively restless (but better than normal) sleep last night I've spent the entire day feeling....to tell you the truth....as if I've just smoked a big, fat, juicy spliff. Complete with the munchies. Oh the munchies.

I've decimated our supply of snack a jacks, demolished a weeks worth of cream cheese, shovelled down a chinese takeout (normally, I cannot finish them) polished off the ryvita, and then I made Ben take me to Bargain Booze (or rather, I was going  and he couldn't stop me but he didn't want me going on my own in case I passed out in the street) for pepsi, chocolate and wine gums (I must have looked like a stoner on a munchies run, but that's ok, I pretty much blended in to the local populace). At one point I even tried to eat a coconut, which I got in the shopping to try out later this week as part of my sugar free food experiment, and ended up losing the half I was trying to prepare after my mum called. I still haven't found it. I hope I don't stumble upon a half rotten half a coconut later this week...

I've decided not to take any more Mirtazapine. I think a combination of some wierd reaction and sugar starvation turned me into some kind of crazy stoned munchy beast. That aside, I was so out of it I couldn't go on my scheduled run, start my 30 day shred or go to a party I was really looking forward to (and since, hunting trip for choccy aside I spent most of the evening passed out accross Ben's lap, that was probably for the best) which has bummed me out and pissed me off severely, however funny the effects might be if seen from a certain angle. I'm only just feeling like I'm "coming round" and it feels like a hangover. I'll discuss what's gone on with the doctor when I see her on Thursday. Until then, I really hope I haven't scuppered my efforts too much, and back to sugar free as of....now!

Sugar free day 4

So today is day 4 sans sugar. I'm taking it in baby steps so I haven't had desserts or sweets or candy or (shock horror) chocolate (a huge deal for me, truth be told) since Thursday. I've skipped the sugar in my tea and started mixing my porridge with cinnamon, a little stevia and some extra milk instead of Nutella.

Three days without added sugar in the form of sweeties and the such isn't such a huge deal, even to me, but I'm proud of myself anyhow as I've chosen a killer time to start this (that is, my husbands birthday weekend). But in a way it's good that I started at such a difficult time, because I'll know it'll make it easier later on. I had to sit through mister Ben eating one of my favourite desserts (Pizza Hut cookie dough with ice cream...gosh!) and I resisted! And then the same day my best friend ordered another of my favourite desserts...chocolate fudge cake and ice cream. And the best thing is I was mildly tipsy at this point too, usually the time when all of my resolve goes flying out of the window and I say "oh hell whatever, pass the cake, she loves the cake!"

So far I've found that having put up the "sweeties and desserts and added sugar are absoloutely not allowed!" rule has made it much easier to resist temptation. I still drink diet pop, and this does mean I get a sweet taste. Perhaps one day I'll give this up too, but for now, when I'm doing so well, I think it's more of a help than a hinderence!

Things will not be all plain sailing though. As of tomorrow I give up refined carbs (in other words, anything not wholegrain) which I usually only eat occasionally anyhow. It will make eating out interesting, but it should also encourage the eating of more wholesome foods at lunch time.

I would normally bulk lunch out to be more healthy on fresh fruit but in a couple of weeks time, fruit is also disallowed (I know, shock horror, but it's not permanent, it's just to try and get all the sugar out of the system, it's only for a few weeks). So I'm really scratching my head about this. I've settle on rye bread topped with cream cheese and veggies, and a boiled egg thrown in for good measure. I even found a little lunch box with a tub in it so I can plop in my portion of cream cheese before I go to work and not worry about eating too much. I hope that the protein and fats in the egg and cream cheese will help to fill me up, and it'll be great to increase my veggie consumption - I know we're told by the powers that be to get most of our five a day from veggies rather than fruits (because of the sugar issue).

And if this isn't filling enough I've stumbled accross a little invention called the activated nut. We're always encouraged to eat raw nuts because they're full of healthy oils and packed with minerals. But, frankly, raw nuts just make me go "meh" in the mouth. They've a bitter after taste. I think it's the Phytic acid in them. Obviously I can't really eat them sugar or chocolate coated.

I read about fellow sugar quitters snacking on activated nuts, in which nuts are soaked to begin the germination process (thus breaking down the phytic acid) and then dehydrated in a very low temperature oven ready for consumption. I've no idea why activated nuts are particularly good for the sugar quitters, or if sugar quitters are into health food trends and have just latched onto them (it is thought the phytic acid prevents the absorption of many of the great minerals in the nuts). But anyhow, one thing that everyone agreed upon was that they taste so much nicer than raw nuts, so I decided to give them a go and found a great recipe for them on Scandi Foodie.

Or rather, I saw that and put my own twist and just soaked a bag of mixed nuts (including peanuts, though I've never seen anyone talk of activating peanuts so I hope I haven't poisoned myself) and tossed them in a bucket load of paprika, some hot chilli poweder and a little salt. Next time I think more chilli powder is required, but on the whole they are delicious, warming, and not at all bitter. I have a new favourite home made snack!

Till next time folks,

Motivation!

Sometimes, what you really need to find motivation, is girl talk and a few too many glasses of wine.

On Saturday night I swapped my Ben for a Becky. Whilst Ben took some time out with Becky's now fiancee Steve (yay for love!) and the other boys in our life to eat pizza, watch Star Wars, and generally be big manly nerds, Becky and I shared wine, talked weddings (did I mention yay for love?) and, well, you know how it is, discuss the finer, deeper, psychologically deep seated issues in our lives. But mostly wine and weddings.

And football.

And pizza too.

But I digress. Such girl time is often self exploratory and always therapeutic, and of course talking about weddings, the future, love and health and all that, really re focused my mind on what really matters, especially now that we're living in a home which could easily accommodate a mini Myatt...

I've been coasting along, health wise (and by that of course I mean weight loss wise), since Christmas. Granted we weren't expecting to be chucked headfirst into moving house, and I still have to pinch myself to remind myself that yes, we are here and here is indeed ours, not that mouldy little flat we used to call home. Trips to visit my family and the stress of new duties at work...despite my doctors great two pronged plan for me, it's been way too much. Way, way too much.

However, as good excuses as all of these are, Becky and I got to the topic of making choices towards the very end of the night, and I think I realised that actually, excuses or no, I really need to make the choice for myself. Do I make the choice to continue as I am and hope life becomes just "perfect" to start getting healthy and loosing weight again, or do I make the choice to grasp at every tool available to me, and all my past experience, and just go for it in earnest again, however ideal or not the situation may be? I think we all know what the winning choice is most likely to be.

And, as simple and obvious as that may sound, I think coming to such a realisation and deciding to make the choice has added a peppering of another key ingredient that makes weight loss a little big more obtainable. I feel brimming with motivation, and raring to go.

Of course, the proof is usually in the pudding, in our deeds and actions, not just in empty, rambling blog posts like this. So I went ahead and gathered said tools and have, I think, made a good start.

This morning I held my breath and braved the scales, knowing that I have to know how I'm doing in order to push myself. I was't looking forward to it, and I've been avoiding it. Oddly enough, having the scales packed away thanks to the move and enabled my avoidance perfectly, but I got up early for work and unpacked them (yes, I knew exactly where they were).

To my pleasant surprise, I'm not as bad as I thought I was. At my lowest weight since the summer I was 318 pounds...today I'm 327 pounds...I was 346 pounds when I started, in earnest, to try and loose weight. Basically, yes, I've been bad since Christmas...but boy oh boy am I thrilled with the fact that I've gained less than a stone, less than half the weight I lost in the first place...I haven't gone back to square one at all, and I am leaping on that to get me going!

I've also really focused on taking back good habits that helped me last time. I took my lunch in to work with me, a tomato and basil pasta pot, an apple and a banana, I've chewed compulsively on sugar free gum, and I didn't even look at the sweets when I went to get the racing post from the newsagents this morning when I had to open shop (the newsagents we get the post from has a special deal on chocolate bars - three for a pound - and I have no choice but to go in there when I open shop!). I walked just short of a mile after work, and I've logged every morsel of food to pass my lips today. All in all, a lot of little victories, and not only do I feel good in myself for having achieved them and not made excuses to back out of them, but I feel good physically for treating my body so kindly. I knew today would have to be a good one to start this thing off again, and I think I've laid great foundations to begin getting healthy.

The one thing that's missing this time that's different from the last time I was successful in losing weight is having a challenge. I decided not to wait or look for an upcoming blog challenge. This is for me, not anyone or anything else. Taking inspiration from a challenge I saw ages ago on (I think) either the MFP or weight watchers forums, I'm challenging myself to walk a marathon between now and this time next month. It seems fitting; the walk to work is much gentler on me now (no steep hill to claw away at my asthma riddled lungage) and we have a huge park a stones throw away from our house. Because I need to encourage myself back out to the gym (because I will never be comfortable running around in public enough to achieve a comparable level of fitness to that which I know I can achieve in the gym) I'm counting treadmill miles too. I started yesterday, and have walked 1.73 miles so far...which may not sound a lot, but for me that is a big deal, I don't do walking and will get a bus to go just two stops down the road.

But lazy or not...only 24.49 miles to go!

I really think I can do it :)

So glad to feel that my mojo is well and truly back, and here's me lifting a virtual glass of (low calorie) wine to it staying for a goodly time yet...I have my best friends wedding to slim down for, after all!

Winding back to reality

Feeling positive and happy today!

As of today, I am attempting to return to "real life". We're pretty comfortably settled into the new house now, with only little bits and bobs, and our pretty decorative things like pictures for the wall to be unpacked. Ben and I both start back at work on Monday, so we will be back to reality in that sense then.

This past week has been more of a new year than new years.... I went up to stay with family on Tuesday, saw my favourite ever band on Wednesday with my little sister and returned to Liverpool with a swanky new hairstyle and, I think, a much more positive outlook on life. It's amazing what a new do can do! But it's more than that. I feel like the little trip up north just ended the old Bex of the old flat and began the new Bex of the new house.

And new Bex has a whole lot of go get em power. Sadly the funk I found myself in throughout the latter part of February has set me way back on my weightloss efforts. I know I wasn't doing so well after Christmas, but with our sudden moving house, my diet has been atrocious. I confided in my doctor that I'd been binging almost every day, but I don't feel the need to do so right now. I feel so at ease in my new place, and more relaxed than I have been for a long time. We also don't have a sweet shop right next door to us either, so that may also explain my good behaviour this week! Anyhow, I've decided to re rev up the Beck diet book (I only got two and a half weeks into it last time) and work on my resolve and will power. I'm feeling very chilled and happy about where I go from here, and I've scheduled myself in for two trips to the gym this week...the first in a month...I'm looking forward to it so much!

And I need it. I bought myself a band t-shirt at the concert on Wednesday...I saw a few beefy older men wearing them so I figured if I got myself the biggest size I'd be ok. Well as you can see it's a little tight...it's not restrictive in any way, but I couldn't just wear it without feeling very self concious about it drawing attention to my tummy! My current diet goal therefore is to slim down to feel comfortable in my new tshirt...I will consider it a win when I feel comfortable enough to wear it out...not just to the gym (which I probably will wear it to because I need tshirts for the gym!) but actually out and about in public.

I know I still haven't posted any pictures of the new house (although that there piccy of me in my shirt is my bedroom!) but thats because it isn't quite finished yet...as soon as I am totally unpacked, I shall show you all!

The joys of moving

As you will know by my excited bleating, I am currently preparing to move house. Or rather, move from my tiny flat into an actual house.

This is turning out to be both more stressful and more expensive than first anticipated. We first got excited by the prospect of no deposit required (being that we are sticking with our same landlord) but the other expenses of course mount up. Not least of all because, for example, my kitchen wear has chosen this specific moment to start breaking down (a new set of pans required) or that, having moved the boxes and crates we were storing in our bedroom we realised the damp problem was way, way bigger than first thought, and whether through our actions causing the spores to be disturbed and spread or because of the very wet, cold weather we've had lately, the problem has litterally doubled in the space of a couple of weeks and has given us cause to basically "burn everything with fire" - new sheets for the bed, duvet and pillow sets etc...it all adds up!

I've managed to get rid of a lot of junk, which is great, yet the stuff I'm not getting rid of knows no end. I think this is more to do with the space premium in here than the ammount of stuff...with such little space to put things, things get a bit piled up, unorganized, stuffed into tiny nooks and crannies that I'd simply forgotten about. Rest assured FLY lady would be horrified to see me hold on to the ammount of crap I'm keeping, but I've tossed so much, and there's only so far I'm willing to toss right now!

As you might imagine I'm very stressed and my nerves are pretty frayed. Between packing and coping with the financial strain this has put us under I've had to take on extra responsibilities at work (part of the contract from the beginning now that I've been signed off of probation and am a fully trained member of the team as it were) which has affected my day to day routine, and ChildLine has been putting on all of its refresher training and workshops. Everything seems to be getting on top of me, so many things I need to remember, though I must be doing it well enough because I've yet to forget anything. I find it difficult to talk about because I feel like a whinging baby, this is after all what being a grown up is all about, right? The other week I had a phone assesment for counselling which my doctor is pressing me to take, and the attitude was so bad it reinforced my feeling whingy.

Of course all this stress and upset has a knock on effect and I've spent the past month or so basically in one big massive binge. I stopped even looking at the scale. I can feel it in myself, I've put so much weight back on. I'm trying to coax myself back into eating healthily, and on the whole my main meals are still very healthy and wholesome. It's everything I stuff in my face between times.

We all go through tough times. Times have been worse before now, I got through them and I'll get through this. I'm really dissapointed in myself for the over eating, but I will get control of it again no doubt. If I have to claw my way to my goals I will, with blood sweat and tears. But first things first, lets get into more comfortable surroundings.

I really cannot wait to be in my new home :)

Let's get rolling

I picked up a load of sturdy cardboard boxes, bubble wrap and packing tape on Friday, and yesterday I started packing all of our worldly goods ready for our move!

This in itself has revealed more reasons to validate our moving out. I've started by packing away all of my pictures and ornaments and decorative nick nacks that serve no purpose other than to brighten up our day. I started by taking down a pair of oil paintings that were painted and gifted to Ben and I by Becky and discovered that the wall behind them was litterally dripping wet...thankfully, the paintings themselves seem to have survived without any damage that I can see...but "ewww" is the only way I can describe it!

And then there was the box. This was one of the plastic boxes we had in our bedroom, you know, the tiny wee bedroom that I've said is only big enough for a double bed and some stacked storage boxes? Well in this box we were storing the cardboard boxes for the Wii, Xbox etc...figuring it'd be a good idea to keep said boxes to provide protection for our consoles when we moved. Well out we dragged them, and found that the undersides were black with mould and the plastic box in which they had been kept contained an inch of water in the bottom.

I mean, seriously, how damp can a place be to get to the point where walls are slimy and boxes fill up with water?

On a note, we aren't completely naive, we knew they place was suffering with damp, but it's only the external walls, walls that we generally don't touch or go near anyhow.

But yes. That was quite a revelation, and only makes us feel even better about the fact that we have less than a month now until we move!

In other news, it has to be said, my weight loss efforts seem to have gone flying out of the window. I think the stress of sorting this move out and trying to juggle our new financial situation hasn't helped, but I need to stop making excuses again and get back on track. I've been trying the Slimming World way, however I find it difficult to stick to this. I'm pondering paying for Weight Watchers again, as that really seemed to help me keep focussed and whilst I wasn't necessarily loosing at a rate of knots, I was loosing. The way the new system works, not having to count fresh fruit or veg, and a more flexible approach than MFP's brand of calorie counting, was the best combination of healthy eating and calorie counting to work for me.

Well anyway, we shall see what we shall see. For now I have to get back to life and to packing!

What do you hate the most?

We're always told to love our bodies, that we should not hate what we have. People have been parading that picture on facebook and pinterest lately, that when did stick thin become sexier than "old hollywood" glamour picture. Other, similar pictures show stretch marks and tell us to embrace them, we're tigers who earned our stripes. The message is that we, as women, are all beautiful and all sexy in our own way. All our imperfections are beautiful in their own way. We should not hate our bodies, we should not even hate a part of our bodies. For the most part I would agree with this.

However, I want to talk very candidly about one particular aspect of my body that I hate with every fiber of my being..

It's not my belly.

It's not my bingo wings.

It's not my bum.

It's not my boobs.

It's my beard.

It's getting out of control and it's downright depressing. It's dark and coarse and long. Well actually, I don't know how long it is exactly because in general I shave every other day to keep it under control.

I've been trying to keep off the shaving just to see how bad it gets. This week I've had a holiday from work, so it was the perfect opportunity to let it go wild. I put down the razor a week ago today and let nature take its course.

By Monday it was bad enough to move me to tears in my GP's office, but I'd seen it that bad before. I've let it grow on further and I physically cannot allow it to get worse. It is dark, and it is long. It looks like Ben with maybe two days post shave stubble, and he has a very thick, luxuriant, and quick growing beard.

In the summer when I started really knuckling down to loose the weight, I honestly thought certain aspects of my PCOS symptoms were getting better. I didn't seem to have to shave so often, and I even had (albeit only very tiny) a period. Alas, things aren't going so well now. I've lost all but two or three pounds of my Christmas gain, so really I'm around the lightest I've been for a few years, and yet the PCOS symptoms aren't showing any signs of loosening up.

Aside from more weight loss there's nothing the doctor can do, and she's giving me support in this. She was yet again a new doctor (le sigh) but at least for now she's listened to me and my concerns and we've come up with what I think will eventually be a successful course of treatment for me. It's going to take time and I'll probably shed a few more tears before the end, but it's the most hopeful I've felt about it for a long time.

For now I've got to go back to shaving. I used to believe that by shaving I was making it worse...you create a standard you want every day, and of course there's the old "it looks coarser" thing...but actually having let it "grow out" a bit I can see that this is really not the case. There are areas of my face that I shave that have very, very little hair growth (barely any noticeable at all) and then there is the fact that underneath my chin is way way worse than my upper lip and sideburns, but extends up to either side of the point of my chin.

Euch, it's gross and unnerving to describe it in such a way, but it is what it is.

And facing up to it is maybe what is going to make me stick to this treatment. Infertility sucks, but my mum told me when I got married that unless you are ridiculously rich you will spend a lifetime waiting for "the right time" to have a baby, financially at least. So whatever and whenever something like that happens is still almost an ethereal concept to us. Being fat is unhealthy and it sucks, but I've been fat all my life and I'm pretty comfortable looks wise in that sense. But the body and facial hair? It's just too much. I don't want to shave forever, I don't want a hairy chest and an ape like back (yes the start is there), and I don't want to be a bearded lady. I just want it to go away :(

Recipe: Carrot and Chickpea Tagine

My mum got me a Tagine cooking pot for Christmas, and I thought that it might be a great idea to make use of the recipe book that she got me to go with it and put the pot to its intended purpose (as opposed to using it as a pretty Moroccan style piece of decor.)

Being that we're trying to get back on track with the healthy eating (though, to be honest, not necessarily succeeding so far!) I took the chance to make a mini resolution of trying to have at least one vegetarian day a week, as there are some lovely sounding vegetarian recipes. I cooked this last night, changing the original recipe here and there to make it more healthy. I've still got to get used to cooking with the Tagine pot - it's meant to be used to cook tagine stews slowly on a low heat, and will apparently sustain damage if used on a direct, high heat...as such the carrots were a bit tough and the chickpeas a little undercooked...but the flavour was good, very earthy and wholesome. I served it with couscous and a salad of finely chopped onion, pepper, chili, cucumber, garlic mint and parsley, and dressed in freshly squeezed lemon juice.

If you don't have a Tagine cooking pot you can use a heavy bottomed, lidded caserole pot, or other pan you would use for making stews on a hob. I used a low heat throughout but I probably should have gone up to medium or increased cooking time.

Serves 2:

1 Onion, finely chopped
3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
2 large carrots, cut into rounds
1 tin (410g) chickpeas, drained
1 desert spoon of olive oil
1 desert spoon of clear honey
1 tsp ground turmeric
1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1/4 tsp hot chili powder
Fresh coriander, roughly chopped/torn

1. Heat oil in the pot, and sautee the finely chopped onions and garlic till soft
2. Add the carrots, honey and spices (except the fresh coriander) and mix in well
3. Add enough water just to cover the bottom of the pot, cover and leave to cook for 15 minutes (I actually left mine on for about 30 mins on a low heat, so stick a knife in there and test your carrots to see if they are cooked to your standards!)
4. Add the chickpeas, top up water if neccesary, and cover and cook for another 15 minutes (I did leave it for that long, and as said, my chickpeas were cooked but not particularly soft)
5. When it's cooked, stir in the fresh coriander, and serve

Later this week I'm doing another one, but made with Chorizo and chickpeas. I'm really looking forward to it as I love chorizo, but am not a huge fan of pulses (hence why I'm trying to make these chickpea tagines, to  introduce them more to my palate and get myself used to them...same with the couscous...I did it with pasta so I can do it with these!) so I hope the one will cancel out the eww factor from the other! I will let you know how it goes!

Stats for November and goals for December

It's the last day of the month so time to look at how my efforts have been paying off :)

Average weekly loss: 0.6 pounds (last months was 0.86)
BMI at end of the month: 42.9 (last month was 43.3)
Average daily calorific deficit: 301 (last months was 428)
Total calories burned at the gym: 3424 (104 less than October)
Average daily calories burned at the gym: 114

I never hit my goal of increasing my weekly loss to 0.9 a week, but this month has been difficult; for a start I've been plagued with injury and illness of various sorts, so even though my workout has increased in intensity I was unable to make it as often. And then to be fair I've not been strictly strict on myself with food this month, and meet ups with old friends and a week where I basically binge ate my way through most of the chocolate in Liverpool have clearly taken their toll. It's had its ups and downs, and it's that time of the year when I don't want to be active, I just want to curl up and commit suicide by chocolate. Delicious, delicious chocolate.

With that in mind I'm pretty pleased that I've actually been good enough inbetween the difficult weeks to still maintain a loss. I may have set myself a goal for November to hit 0.9, but my overall long term strategy is to maintain and average of 0.5 a week (As I think I've mentioned before, taking into account my PCOS etc) and in that sense I've been succesful.

But all these numbers are all very abstract. The proof in the pudding is that on the first of November I was 318.5 pounds and today I weigh in at 313.2 pounds. I'm not sure how hackers is working that out as an average half a pound a week loss but I'm presuming that's taking into account daily fluctuations etc.

So where do I want to go from here? December being notorious as it is, I've never not gained weight in December so whilst some may be aiming to plunge in and get stuck in to lose this month, I'm aiming to maintain my weight this month. Any loss will be welcomed with open arms, but as long as I enter January having not put on a stone (an annual event for me) I'll be pleased!

Killing time...

Two blog entries in the space of two days? I know, it's been a while...but everything was a bit put on hold yesterday (suffering greatly with a headache, wooziness and generally feeling sorry for myself after my dual with a steel shutter) and today I thought hey...why not write a little of my adventures recently, being that this is called "Adventures with Bex" after all?

Well, recently my adventures have mostly revolved around my Xbox. I wouldn't class myself as a big gamer, but every now and then there is a game that sucks away at my personal time until I get bored of it, and it pretty much takes over my entire mind. The last game was specifically the multiplayer aspect of Assassins Creed Brotherhood, and before that it was any number of The Sims games and variations thereof. Inbetween it all has been Oblivion, which popped up in my life from time to time and sucked me up before I got bored of playing it over for the ten millionth time (and I've still not played it all).

Mammoths in Skyrim, they are awesome because
they are big and shaggy, like me, {via}

Well, now it's Skyrim, Oblivions younger but oh so much more talented little brother (or sister, they aren't sexist in Tamriel) that has me sucked in, so much of the radio blog silence from me here has been at the hands of this game. I'll be fair, it only came out a week ago, but the weeks before that I've been enjoying my social life, and actually have plans coming up, ranging from coffee tonight to a trip to Birmingham for the Christmas market. I'm very much looking forward to this trip as it's with old friends I don't really see very often at all (most of them I haven't seen in at least a year) but of course I have to tear myself away from the Xbox to do that.

I'm sure I'll survive the shock though :)

I'm also look forward in the next few weeks to Twilight (you may judge, I care not :p) and the ChildLine Christmas do (Ben can finally see all these crazy people I've been pouring my deepest, darkest secrets to during training). All in all, aside from the unsuprising "I LOVE SKYRIM" line I've been pulling around with me this past week, not a lot to report on, but an awful lot coming up to enjoy :)

{via}

Oh, you may also notice that I've not said anything about writing, which considering I announced with some excitement that I was partaking in NaNoWriMo again this year (in order to strike a task from my day zero list) may strike as suspicious. Well suspect away dear friends for I jacked it all in a week into the frivolities. I'm just not feeling the creative juices flowing this November, which is ok because they very much were last year and so the chances are that they will be next year, or the year after...but after that I've failed day zero, so they'd better not be waiting till the November after that to resume the flow...you get my point anyhow. This year is a NaNo fail.

As for the weight loss, this is actually coming along quite nicely this November. As is usual with me so it seems, as soon as I stopped pressurising myself with challenges and immediate urgent goals I've started losing again. As of today my weight is 315 lb...still much too high and way too unhealthy, but if I'd been hanging around on FUFF I would have surpassed my weight loss goal! What's even sweeter about this number is that I've only got one stone and a pound to lose before I'm out of the 300 lb's, and since I've already lost more than this in total you can imagine  that I'm feeling pretty darn positive about seeing a 2 flash up on the scale. The really important thing is though that this is a significant loss after a pretty stagnant period where I was losing at best a half a pound a week. It just goes to show that in this particularly tough world of scales and gyms and portion sizes and vegetables, the fruits of your labour aren't always instantaneous.

Anyhow, just thought I'd drop in a line. Can't wait to bring you news of all the wonderful things that are taking place over the CHRISTMAS IS NEARLY HERE *ahem* season and err...I hope you are all enjoying yourselves too ^_^

Stats for October and goals for November

I've decided to make this a monthly thing...I think it will help me keep my eye on the goal of maintaining a loss, however small, on a monthly basis, and will help keep me motivated. Also, in very rough theory, I can see where most of my weight loss is coming from...So without further ado...

Average weekly loss: 0.86 pounds (last months was 0.79)
BMI at end of the month: 43.3 (down by 0.4)
Average daily calorific deficit: 428 (last months was 397)
Total calories burned at the gym: 3528
Average daily calories burned at the gym: 113

So...I can glean that actually, if weight loss were uniform and strictly to the rules (I know it's not but let me be all clever for once!)...I'm loosing most of my weight due to my diet but a substantial amount is coming from working out. Also, considering I wasn't working out in September if you look at the numbers you could say that actually my diet has been worse this month but the working out has been a safety net. I knew the gym would be a winner for me :D Now the goal for the month of November will be to get the diet back on track to let the working out do even more for me. I'm going to aim for an average weekly loss of 0.9 pounds a week, to just push myself a little bit further.

Fire up for Fall - Week 5

Sorry for the late post this week...I got up early yesterday to go and get my flu jab (booo!) and then went straight to the gym (yaaaay!) which is taking much longer now that our instructor has upped our workouts and given us weights (kinda boo for time but yay for progress!). I came back home for lunch (left over lasagne from the night before, and absoloutely delicious it was too) and then went out almost straight away to ChildLine for a double shift (because we need to do at least ten shifts in our first two months) so I didn't get home till half eleven...I'm starting to feel a little stretched out with all of this. I'm back in work tonight, and whilst I'm happy because our money woes are subsiding and I can get to the gym and fund my voluntary stunts, I just wish I had some kind of routine because it feels right now that the only time I actually get to see poor Ben is one or two evenings a week. Actually, it's him I feel most sorry about in all of this!

But everyone goes through these times. I know I'm building a foundation for the future through this, financially, physically and through experience too so it's ok. There will be a payoff and then I'll be glad I did ll of this :)

Now to stop complaining and get to the meat of the post! Fuff!

1 - What have you done this week to achieve your goals?

I wish I could say they've all been at the forefront of my mind...but whilst I've not been paying too much attention to how much water I'm drinking, nor how often I eat, and I've not exactly been strict on the weight watchers side of things...all of my goals have been set around the desire to lose weight, and I've started losing again! I lost another pound for my Friday weigh in (bringing me down to 22st 11lb) and I weighed in another pound lighter still today. It must be the working out that's doing it because God knows I've slipped up elsewhere! In fact working out at least 90 minutes every week is probably the only thing I'm excelling in right now...I'm doing quite a bit more than that!

2 - What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I had a lovely afternoon/evening with the ladies. Sometimes you just need some girl time!

3 - It's halfway through the challenge...you can change one or more of your goals... 

I don't think I want to change anything. I really believe that whilst I'm not always keeping all of them in mind and not always achieving them all, if I reduce them just to meet them I'll feel I have leeway to do them less....but if I increase them I'll just feel dejected if I can't hit them. I think things are already working out good for me, the whole point of these goals was to help get healthy and build up healthy habits with weight loss in mind, and they are working on these fronts...I feel healthier than I have in a long while!

4 - What's your worst habit and have you ever tried to tackle it? Do you want to?

I'm a professional procrastinator and a major league lazy bones. I tried to tackle it during the Summer challenge...I'm much better now, and I'm getting better all the time :) I absoloutely do want to change my ways because you don't achieve much in life from sitting around waiting for the world to come to you!

5 - Would you rather have burgers for feet or sausages for fingers?

Burgers for feet. I could get on in life if my feet were useless but if I didn't have dexterous fingers I couldn't use a computer or my phone, I couldn't knit or hold a book or wrap wire and beads together or embroider or sew. I mean, if I couldn't sew, where would Ben be? He'd actually have to sew his own buttons back on and fix his trouser seams himself! We'd have to buy him a new set of work clothes every week, if I couldn't sew we'd be bankrupt!

Haaah. Only kidding sweetie darling. Love you xx

Besides. If I had sausages for fingers, I'd eat them, and then I'd be in an even worse predicament, with feet for feet and nothing for fingers.

Finally, this weeks positive picture!

This is my weight loss chart since July. As we can see I went right up to 333 pounds at the beginning of August (ahem, parental visit, ahem) but today is my lowest weight of 318 pounds. It's not quite as smooth a curve right now as I haven't been weighing in every single day (not at weekends) but you can't deny the overall downward trend :). Many people say only weigh in once a week, but with a chart like this I feel really motivated to weigh in every day and only count my official weigh in on Friday as my progress for my trackers etc.

It also helps me to see trends. Through July I kept my weight written down but I didn't log it here (I came back halfway through August and started logging almost every day again) I admit I wasn't weighing every day so I've gone in later and filled in the gaps for the sake of making it look smooth and pretty...but all the time I thought I was staying stationary actually not so much, I was fluctuating up and down quite a bit. Still, you can see from the graph (aside from where I momentarily stopped weighing in again in September) that I've managed to get my weight into a generally loosing trend again. It also gives helpful statistics like on average since July I'm loosing just over half a pound a week...a slow but steady pace which, if I can continue in this way, is just fine for getting to five pounds lost during this challenge.

Anyway explanations and analysis aside, this is one of my biggest tools right now, it shows that even where it looks on paper like I'm not loosing a thing, actually things are going down quite nicely :) Or, up, in some cases...And I'm liking the downwards trend that shows up for the last couple of months :D

Progress

I lost again on Tuesday, bringing my weight down to 22st 11 lb, which is 319lb and a total of 18lb lost. By today I'd gone up by a half a pound, which was kind of annoying; I hope I can register a "real" loss on the scale tomorrow, which is my weigh in day, and break the steady flat lining my weight has managed to keep these past couple of weeks.

But even if it doesn't, I've seen progress elsewhere. My belt for one has run out of holes, my ankles are decidedly less puffy, the lovely blue enamelled ring my mum and dad bought me to commemorate my 15th birthday almost fits the finger it was bought to fit on! For the past couple of years, it couldn't even slide past the knuckle...progress indeed!

We had our second session with our lovely gym instructor last night, and she asked us how we'd been doing. She's programmed us both in for intervals on the treadmill, which are frankly brilliant; with her adjustments our average rate of calorie burning has gone up from about 150 cals per session to 420 cals, which considering that we have only increased the time of the cardio workout by 15 minutes is rather impressive, and just goes to show that sometimes there's nothing better than having someone who knows what they're doing in the drivers seat.

She also gave us some resistance training to do, which does count towards our increased calorie burning, but only by a small fraction. For me it's leg abduction and adduction for my thunder thighs, and pulldowns and tricep presses for my bingo wings and back. Ben too has the pulldowns and tricep presses, but he then has some more "manly" weights for his, ahem, moobs. Not that he asked for them in particular, but we both asked for some general all round body toning, and she said, well, men usually don't bother trying to shape up their thighs, aside from those guys who go around posturing and go on every weight machine there is, put it on the highest weight possible, and then use the incorrect technique and end up looking impressive to anyone who doesn't know better but actually may as well be sitting infront of the tv doing nothing.

Indeed a fair few young lads who happened to be stood around as she hammered this home to us looked a little sheepish as they listened in to our session, indeed we even saw one young fellow doing exactly what she told us (or rather, Ben in this case) not to before she showed us how its done. He scarpered away pretty quickly, but to me, aside from a giggle we shared with our instructor, it just made me glad we decided to pay the extra for the personal training and programming we're now receiving.

I asked about something for my stomach; of course I'm eager to get something there to pull in my ample belly as I start to loose the fat there, and apparently the best thing for that is balance ball exercises for your core muscles...however we have to go for another session in two weeks time and she'll show me how it's done then. For now I'm chuffed that in the space of a week my fitness has already improved to a level where 30 minutes was once a struggle but now I'm doing 45 minutes, and I love doing the weights; I love the thought of being nice and toned once I'm smaller, and not soft, pudgy and weak. I also love the thought of not waiting till I've lost the weight to tone up, and getting it out of the way now so that when it comes to weight maintenance I can focus on doing just that; maintaining a fantastic body.

But that is indeed a long way off for now. Until then I'm happy seeing all the little bits of progress that I'm making towards that goal, and feeling myself becoming stronger, healthier, and thinner on the way.
 

Post gym awesomesauce (part two)

We approached the gyms own reception desk apprehensively, having to push our way past a group of skinny young boys barely if at all out of school, not a scrap of stubble to be seen amongst them and none as tall as Ben, who really isn't that tall. They eyed us up and I immediately felt completely self conscious. The guy behind the desk was grabbing his bag as I started to say "we're here for an induction" and cut me off mid flow by simply pointing at something behind me. I turned back to where the boys were huddled around a touch screen monitor on a pedestal as a tiny tanned lady showed them how it was done.

Feeling our eyes on her she beamed up at us with a wide, white, reassuring smile.

"Are you here for the induction? Have you filled out your forms yet?"

She fetched us said forms, the usual array of medical questionnaires.

"I'll be with you now, just fill these in while I finish off this induction. We've been absoloutely inundated this week!"

We sat at a little coffee table carefully filling in our vital statistics and going over the medical questions. Whilst we're not the very picture of robust good health, thankfully the only serious thing either of us has to contend with is my asthma so it was a case of ticking all the boxes, and then we sat back waiting. We joked, somewhat nervously, and kept glancing to and fro. By this point, the gym had emptied quite dramatically and aside from the group of young fellows having their inductions there were only about five other people there, all very much focussed on their own progress, in the zone as it were.

At this point I caught my reflection in one of the large mirrors up along the back of the gym. Usually it's full body mirrors that really cripple my self confidence; that and a camera... I have a severely distorted view, in my mind, of how my body actually looks (that is, in my mind I look much slimmer than what turns up in the mirror or in photos) and whilst that's great when I'm strutting down the street giving it all that, it's terrible whenever I catch that glimpse of myself.

Of course, I had been worried about how I would look in my gym outfit. I'd eventually decided to stick with the vest top I bought for the occassion, but was still not feeling too good about it. But I realised as I looked over into the mirror at myself...actually, for once, the mirror showed a picture that was actually better than what I expected to see. I didn't see "a big butch dyke" (as I'd told Ben I felt like when I first put it on) but an overweight lady who looked no worse than any other overweight lady in a gym kit that I've ever seen. In fact,  my gear seemed to be rather slimming, all things considered.

Of course, that could be my actual weight loss showing through, as I have been registering a slight loss in the tape measure department,.

 So with the gym nearly empty now, the boys thoroughly distracted by the exercise bikes and my realisation that actually I didn't look even half as terrible as I expected to, I began to feel much more at ease. Ben made a quip about how it would be nice to see just one person with a belly like his, and I made a quip back that hey, here I am! He agreed that despite how busy it had been just moments before it really had quietened down and besides, no body else really cared about us two at all.

 Finally the tiny woman with the massive smile came back and went through our forms. She double checked I had my medication with me and she set up our mywellness keys and accounts so we could use the gym equipment and track our progress, explaining that for now we'd have a basic thirty minute cardio programme on there and that we'd come back to see her later to get a personalised programme suited to what we want out of our training.

She showed us the magic touch screen, which turned out to be the log in system, explaining that no log in means no work out; the key is needed to activate the machines, and the log in is needed to activate the key. She gave us our information to access our workout info online, watched us using the machines, showed us how the key works with the weights, and finally arranged an appointment with us to get our personal programmes sorted (this Wednesday!)

And then we were left to it, and we got in a nice easy thirty minutes.

Ben finally "got" what I meant by getting into your zone, and feeling the good exercise endorphins. We left on an absoloute high, and even the ten minute wait in the rain for our taxi home didn't seem at all bad.

Since our initial visit we went again on Saturday morning and left again with the same awesome high. This was especially wonderful since we'd been drinking at a friends birthday do the night before and were feeling a little worse for wear at first.

Well, I was. Ben didn't and he drank more than me. After only two G&T's and a fruity cranberry juice and amaretto cocktail, I'm starting to think I'm becoming a delicate wee flower when it comes to alcohol, but like the sudden realisation that ASDA pizza isn't all that after all, I don't think this is a bad thing...more like my body telling me it likes the new, healthier diet of fresh home cooked food and litres of water or juice.

The only thing now is keeping it up. I've really enjoyed it, and I'll feel even better once I have my programme with weights to do. The real issue is getting the time to go. On evenings when I'm not either at work or ChildLine I can try to schedule a session in with Ben, but I have no guarantee of numbers of evenings off. Ben has already said he will start going when I'm at work on an evening to make sure he gets all his work outs in, and so by rights I need to go during the day when he's at work if I'm at work in the evening...but whilst it's one thing to kick up courage to go with your best beloved, it's another thing to do it on your own.

Still, it will probably not be so bad. After all, people go to work through the day, it may well be quite quiet. I guess I shall find out on Tuesday, if I'm not stuck in waiting for a British Gas engineer to turn up to see to our broken gas meter...but that is an entirely different rant story.

Till then!

Post gym awesomesauce (part one)

As I was at work through the day and then had to dash straight to ASDA to grab the ingredients for Christmas cake (because it isn't Christmas without spicy fruit cake!)  I really didn't have time to get het up about the gym, but sat on the bus stop with my gym kit clutched awkwardly in my hand and people going too and fro with their own bags of sport gear I began to feel pretty self conscious.

I met Ben outside St. Anthony's (a lovely big church, must remember to have a nosey around there some time) and we past down the little alleyway that cuts between it and the Throstles Nest, the same alleyway which I've cut down every Tuesday since August to get to ChildLine, and onto Great Homer Street. It's not a bad area by comparison to some areas of Liverpool; all big shady deciduous trees starting to loose their leaves now that autumn is here, but still leafy enough to provide me (who went out sans raincoat or umbrella...) with some shelter from the drizzle which was now steadily falling. It was twilight, and the trees were casting all kinds of crazy shadows, and the sky was a cornucopia of purple rainclouds of all sorts of textures.

Ok, yes, very pretty, what has this got to do with the gym? Well I was taking a lot of notice of all of this trying not to think about the fact that there were a lot of young, fit looking folk going into the sports centre at which the gym is based with their tennis rackets and football kits (they have all weather football pitches, you see).

Ben was obviously feeling pretty ill at ease over this too, commenting that it was a lot busier than he thought it would be at seven in the evening. I wondered if it should be common sense...younger folk playing football will have been at school all day, older folk in the gym or attending Zumba would have been at work all day. This was exactly the time that we should have expected it to be busy.

We passed a lot of young folk hanging around, eyeing us up. I had hoped to see just one other larger person, but everyone here was fit as a fiddle and I really felt like we were standing out like big sore thumbs. Queuing up at reception was a horrific experience, and I played it down by trying to encourage Ben and banter with him, as he looked even more horrified than me.

The receptionist was lovely and showed us around, before letting us get changed and informing the instructor who would be doing our induction know we were here. When we finally entered the gym to find it full to bursting with a lot of fit, well built men everywhere we turned, I think both of our hearts sunk.

But since I now have to head off to work, you shall have to wait and see how we got on :)

Pre Gym jitters

Ben and I have our Gym induction tomorrow evening. It will take about half an hour, we'll get a personalized programme to follow on what is essentially (from what I understand) like a data pen which you plug into the machines (including weights, from what I've read) and it helps you track your progress etc and Im also pretty sure you can log into your account at home too.

Which is brilliant and gadgety and wonderful and I'm really eager to build up some stats on it and see myself getting better. I've already spoken about how the gadgetry that surrounds gyms is what keeps me motivated....and this is a whole other level that I never had when I was 16/17 and going.

Still I'm really nervous now. I said that before I wasn't, but I liken it to training at ChildLine...it was something I wanted to do for a while, and when I was just observing calls I wanted to take over, but when it came to doing it myself I bricked it till after the first call was over.

Hopefully I'll have a similar experience here. I'm feeling anxious and self concious about my body, which I can put my hand on my heart and say I haven't felt for a while. I certainly wasn't thinking I might feel this anxious when I picked out my gym clothes, and picked out a really long black vest top with a massive pink cupcake on the front. I got that because I thought it would be really quite hilarious for a fat girl to show up at the gym sporting a cupake on her boobs. Actually, I still do. I just don't want that to be me on my first go ^_^ Actually the thing that bothers me is my massive shoulders. I think I may well have to dig out a different t-shirt with sleeves (if I still have any).

I think one of my big fears is that when I last went to a gym there was a weight limit on the machines, and I was very nearly over that limit....what if I can't use the gym because I'm too heavy? And then I also worry about what if I have to stop and use my inhaler halfway through a workout?

I'm going to stop there before I end up talking myself out of it again. This time on Thursday I'll no doubt be gagging for more the way I was the day after my first call. I can't wait for the results of my endeavours...it's just setting out in the first place!

And I have to think, at the end of the day, this time round I actually have someone to go with me :)

It's broken

My record of 16 pounds is broken today ^_^ I've lost 17 pounds, making this the biggest ammount of weight I've ever lost on any attempt to loose, and also making me the lightest I've been in about three or four years.

So I'm going to celebrate by appointing some of my weight watchers weekly points to a yummy mocha at costa, but not before cashing in that cheque that our former electricity supplier just sent us for overcharging us for a year (despite telling them they were doing that, apparently low life customer scum like us aren't to be believed that we in our one bed flat couldn't possibly be using as much as they claimed...but hey...thats another £150 towards Ansterdam!) scouting out pie tins in Lakeland for the scrummy low cal pumpkin pie I plan on making, and investigating the new Simply Be shop that opened today. Internet rumour has it they're giving out goody bags....and I'm a sucker for a freebie...

Then tonight I take my first ChildLine call. Bricking it, darlings, absoloutely bricking it.

This requires some energetic build up music....rocktastic playlist GO!

What are your fave build up tunes? Answers in the comments please, no postcards, we're trying to cut down on paper waste here!

Off it already?

Hey guys, just needed a little space to vent. I've a few things to vent about.

Firstly, all my weight loss buds out there should check out this article from the beeb. It's nothing mega or huge, however it does kind of give more of an answer to the eternal question "why am I plateauing" other than "you're just adjusting!".

Secondly, I want to rant about my banks fraud prevention. I have no problems with banks putting fraud prevention into place, hell I'd be sorry if ever my card was stolen or copied and the fraud prevention wasn't there....but there's absoloutely no consistency. I mean, just look at these examples...our card was blocked and we were called up about it way back when we went to pay our debts off...they were substantial ammounts of money after all and I can understand that, however embarrassing it was for it to happen when trying to pay for our dinner out.

Another notable time was when that thick skulled idiot in the virgin media shop decided that the name of the bank we use was our account name (and wouldn't be told otherwise when I pulled her up on it) when we first went along to get us a couple of phones on contract (being tired as we were of topping up all the time). Obviously our credit check failed, though she tried it three effing times, and once again that bank went...hold up...and blocked the card and called us up for it. Once again, completely understandable in a way.

But I cannot for the life of me understand why they pulled us up about it this morning. We're presuming it's the fact that we finally got round to ordering our new phones via the magic of telephone (personally I feel better speaking to an actual person about this stuff, but hell if I was going back in the virgin media shop after the last time) but that was a week ago (and so you would presume we'd be a bit fucked by now if it realy was fraudulent) and the list of transactions our bank gave us to ask if it was fraudulent or not was astounding...regular transactions of no suprising ammount at all from atm's and shops that we frequent on a day to day basis.

And it just makes me wonder, because my parents use the same bank as us and my mum has been called up about it too, but in other situations. For example she buys a lot of video games from amazon and play.com on behalf of my brother and sister and it's a pretty regular occurence...yet a couple of times she's been pulled up about that....however when I got paid last month (for the first time in over a year, so do forgive me) I pretty much went on a £300 shopping spree (it was like a binge, but without the food) all over Liverpool and then all over the internet too, on a clothes site I'd never ordered from before...but not a single batter of an eyelid was had by my bank.

I wonder about the first few times I visited Ben's family when we first got together, how I'd go a bit mad on the stop off in London, and wonder why no one pulled me up about that since I'd never been before. And the shopping we've done in Kent since then. Girl from Liverpool suddenly makes purchases in Blue Water of, once again, substantial ammounts compared to what she usually spends...but £7.50 is taken by a company which takes money from her account once a month and boy oh boy is there hell to pay! Mister Banker, it has to be said; your fraud team is inconsistent.

The third thing to be vented is that I'm tired. I won't be spending a single evening at home until Sunday, and haven't since Tuesday. I know it's mostly my own doing with the ChildLine stuff, and it's because it's the end of the course and we're being pushed out to go and save the chidlers of the UK and all that jazz, combined with work needing me in for evening shifts...but boy oh boy is it starting to take its toll. Whats quite shit about the whole situation is that some days, like today, I get to spend the whole day alone, then go out for training for a couple of hours, then I get to see Ben for like...two hours maximum before bed time. There's nothing to be done, I just wanted to say that I'm starting to feel a bit dragged down by it all, and will be glad when I can settle back into the only having to go there once a week routine.

Finally, last on my list of venting is that I've already dropped off of the bandwagon. We meant to have a lovely carbonara last week, however for one reason or another it didn't happen so we saved it for this week. Except I was a dunce and never checked the use by date on the sauce and we were supposed to be having it last night and in the end had to do some emergency quick thinking and replace carbonara with something else not so healthy if you catch my drift. First week into the autumn challenge and I'm already off plan. Combined with a sluggish run down feeling, I don't think I'll have lost come tomorrow and I feel like flash backs from last year where I got to this weight then it all went to hell.

However, whilst I may have already screwed goal number one, I'm keeping goal number six in mind. It's been a busy couple of weeks and if I maintain or even gain a pound or so, then so what, today is a new day, tomorrow marks the start of a new diet week. I've even given myself a little incentive...I'm currently at 321 pounds...when I get down to 310 (so less than a stone, totally doable!) I'm going to book myself in for a full Indian Head Massage...because they're amazing and I've only ever had partial treatments from my mum when she was training. I've never had a full one, and Ben can tell you, I love having my head and hair played with ^_^

Well, till later folks...and thanks for putting up with moaning myrtle here!

Fire up for Fall - Week One

It's Autumn...and boy oh boy is it Autumn! I can almost taste Winter in the air, but that's probably me getting way ahead of myself and getting much too excited for Christmas way before time. So without further ado, and without tripping over myself for holiday festivities (I mean come on, less than 100 days!!!!) let us concentrate on the here and now and I'll get myself sorted for this season first!

1 - What are your goals for the fall challenge?

1. Stick to my diet plan 100%
2. Get into the habit of drinking 4 pints of water a day
3. Work towards hitting point 3 in my PCOS action plan
4. Work out at least 90 minutes a week
5. Loose 5 pounds
6. Don't beat yourself up if things go slow

2 - Why have you chosen those goals?

I've explored them all more on my challenge page but in brief the reasons behind my goals are;

1. I haven't got a good track record of sticking to my diet plans when push comes to shove and the going gets tough. No more excuses. If I want to loose this weight and get a bun in my oven before I'm too old for it anyway (because lets face it that's the only reason I'm seriously up for this at all) I need to stick to it.
2. I know from experience that I find it easier to loose weight when I'm drinking this much water a day, but like everything else it's a case of having lost the habit.
3. This plan isn't a weight loss plan, it is a plan to eat healthily in order to kick my ovaries in the nuts (lol). By the time I hit point ten and am fully following the plan my entire outlook on food and my relationship with it will have changed completely (it will have had to in order for me to follow it at all!)...it's going to take a lot of time to implement all of the points, and point three is where it starts to get difficult (for me, at least), so I think reaching and sticking with point three by the end of the ten weeks will be a major victory in itself.
4. Need to work out to loose weight and improve fertility and reduce chances of prematurely popping it. I lead a very sedentary life. Need to kick start my engine house and get my rear in gear! Also, starting the gym in a couple of weeks...I need to get into the habit of going! Once I'm in the habit of going I can begin to make tougher challenges for myself in this area of my life.
5. Whilst I'm making all these healthy changes to my life, it would be nice to loose a few pounds in the process ;)
6. I always get discouraged when the going slows down, and get off track. I'm so easily led astray! So I need to keep everything in perspective. I need to acknowlege that I will face these feelings during the next ten weeks, and know that I will not just give up on myself yet again.

3 - What have you done this week to make yourself feel fabulous?

I hit the 16 pounds lost mark! I've already blogged about why this is a major personal milestone for me, so I won't go into it again. But I do feel great for it, I feel a tad smaller and my work shirts already fit better (not much because they are poorly designed, but better nontheless) which makes me feel less of a twit at work!


4 - What do you think will be your biggest challenge in reaching your goals?

Dealing with the negative feelings that inevitably come when progress is halting and slow. Staying motivated, and not letting those feelings overwhelm me. There is a reason I never hit my "loose ten pounds" goal over Summer, and this is it. It didn't matter so much because for much of the challenge it wasn't about weight loss, it was about lifestyle as a whole. I didn't start off in the right place, mentally, to even consider loosing that ammount of weight. I've done a lot of thinking and introspection over the past month, however (as is evident on my blog!) and am now mentally, physically and financially invested in it. I can't think of a time in the past five years where I've been better equipped to finally get up and do it than I am now, and if I balls it up by becoming unmotivated or defeated then I'll be doing myself a massive disservice...I'll be letting a lot of people down, not just myself, so this time it has to be for real.

5 - Where in the world do you live? What's amazing about it?

I live in Liverpool, and let me just say, what's not amazing about it? Ok ok there is an awful lot about it that isn't exactly stella...especially in my neighbourhood...but on the whole, I love the place. I'm not from Liverpool originally (check out my sisters blog for more about my homeland), but since moving back to my home town or to Ben's is not an option, I can't think of a better place to be "in exile". It has history, it DOES have culture (despite what the nay sayers think!) in fact it has a rather distinct one all of its own, it is possibly one of the best cities to have fun in, and it is situated so perfectly, nestled up against both mountains and the sea. Ok the people are all absoloutely bonkers, I've yet to meet a local who is quite all there in the head...but that just means I'm surrounded by my own kind! They all know how to have a laugh, and a more family oriented bunch of people you will have a hard time to find here in England. Cameron may talk of a broken society and the collapse of the family...but if you glance in the wrong way at someone here, expect to have their cousin thrice removed who they've never met before baying for your blood. It's brilliant. It's mad. It's awesome :)

And now for a positive picture! Since I've yet to figure out all the new and wonderful photography features on my shiny new phone....I shall start with the best thing I have to a full length "before" picture...

This was just before Christmas when I'd put all my weight back on for the first time. It's positive in only a roundabout way I suppose...I LOVE that dress, and I love my curly curly hair and I love my style. I love an awful lot about myself. And despite how humongous I am here, and that this Christmas was going to be one of those stupid "first one without..." ones and I was out of work and skint, and we thought Ben was about to be made redundant...I'm so happy! And that night was pretty damn amazing! I have one of those photo keyrings of me and 2 of my best mates in the whole damn world taken on this night, and it makes me feel happy whenever I see it cause that night was just brilliant. I'm not in circumstances quite as shit as I was when this picture was taken...in fact I couldn't have asked for a better out come really, all things considered. I want to hold onto everything about this picture, how I feel happy and content despite the feeling that everything was collapsing all around us, and use that positive energy to help me stick to my goals. At the end of this challenge I'm going to put that dress on again, and I'll be damned if I look as fat in it as I do here come ten weeks time!

Holy shizzackle!

I've mentioned before that I class my heaviest weight (from which I measure my weight loss) as being 24st 1lb (337 lb) because that was the heighest weight Ive been that I could ever actually remember, but I knew I'd been heavier when seeing my dietician, which is why I eventually said "screw you" and stopped going. I couldn't remember what it was so I never counted it.

Well, I found it today. It's no wonder I left.

My actual heaviest weight that I have ever been my entire life was actually 24st 10 lb...346 lb...almost 350...

You'd think a figure like that would stick in your head but I'd actually just scrawled it down in kilograms and not bothered to convert it. I just knew Id had enough.

Of course this means that I've lost in total 25 lb's... but that would just be nit picking since I've been counting otherwise ^_^

However I'm going to take this moment to congratulate myself on out doing a trained health professional and sticking two fingers up at the NHS's abysmal record of effective obesity treatment. But that is an entire other rant.

Now to go to bed having not enjoyed my Friday pizza very much. Apparently my tongue no longer responds to salt laden nutritionally devoid junk food. Which sucks, cause now I'm going to have to think of something else to treat myself to on Friday and use up all those damned weekly points!

Till later folks :)