I've been having a bit of a huff because none too many of my regular favourite bloggers have been updating too frequently, today I have only one new blog entry to peruse! But then I have to (wo)man up and say you know what Bex, you haven't exactly been bombing the blogosphere with posts yourself...so here is my solution to the problem, I post to you all my own entry and perhaps you all will post some back!
I've been attempting to be more proactive in problem solving this week in general. My motivation to do anything at all of any use is probably at an all time low after a couple more rejections. I'm under no delusions that for every job I apply for there are probably hundreds just like me, and hundreds who are much better qualified than me, also applying for said job.
Going off on a tangent here, it pisses me off when politicians say "oh, there's always jobs available" because actually when you look in detail, all those jobs available are looking specifically for those with x ammount and type of experience. I don't begrudge them that at all because it's their business, but when ignorant upper class tory toffs who've never wanted for anything make such sweeping statements and then flood the market with yet more job seekers with their idiotic cuts, putting pressure on us who are maybe a little rusty in the workplace and already desperately seeking some kind of work, it just makes me so bloody angry! Even a basic 5 hours a week part time cleaning job seeks someone with experience and a frigging drivers liscence! It's so very very frustrating!
Back off of said tangent...I know I can't just sit around on my arse all day and expect a job to come to me, but after applying for fuck knows how many jobs of all different kinds (I'm not proud, I will lick your toilet bowl if you'll pay me for it. Ok maybe not.) I must be doing something wrong.
So I'm looking into volunteering again. I've sent off a few applications at this point and am just waiting back on responses. I can only think that taking on a couple of different roles might give me the experience that employers want and make me look considerably less rusty. Also less lazy. And also will allow me to prove what I've been doing all this time (I got rejected from one lucrative looking job, a job that didn't require any experience at all, because I couldn't provide references for the past two years to prove I hadn't been, I dunno, running a fraud ring or something, though I do say that even had I been in work I could have been partaking in such activity so I fail to see how this is a safeguard at all.).
This isn't just the only problem in my life I'm seeking solutions to, though it would indeed be a mega huge boost to my energy and motivation levels just to see something happen in this sector. I'm also trying to jumpstart my weightloss (again, I hear you cry!). I've been scrutinising myself very closely here. I've stopped going to see my dietician because despite her one little tidbit of information about insulin peaks and troughs (hence explaining some of my dizzy spells and evening binges) she's actually done nothing to help me. She asked me at one point to stop worrying about calories and concentrate on eating healthily. I did this, and in a month I gained six kilo's, which I have struggled most terribly in loosing again even after going back to jotting down and tracking everything I eat.
Our meetings consisted of her trying to think of healthy meal idea's based upon her diet and lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, she's so skinny...but she's not me. And she (obviously!) doesn't have my lifestyle. Cook some garlic chicken up and slam it in a pitta bread, now that's a fantastic idea but I can't afford to cook up fresh meat twice a day. I tell her this and she looks at me blandly before saying "well, how about beans on toast?". You mean to tell me your advice is to live on a diet of beans on toast? Oh no not just that, you also need to partake in healthy cooking practices! Listen lady, I've already cut my portions in half and dry fry everything that isn't either dry roasted, grilled or boiled or steamed. There is no fat in my food cupboard, no cooking oil except that "1 cal per spray" shit (actually I say shit, but it's very good).
Before I turn into one of these women who proclaim I do everything right and yet only put stones and stones of weight on, don't worry I'm under no such delusions. I'm just saying that when my GP sent me off to see a dietician I was expecting/hoping for firmer help. Actually the GP herself gave me more relevant information. The dietician regurgitated a lot of secondary school biology nutrition...in fact everything she ever told me I could find for you on the NHS website. There's nothing new that she ever told me that I didn't already know. I mean her super duper fatty scales were great but meh. I was sent to her by my GP because I have weight related fertility problems and I was told that the dietician would have an understanding of the effects of PCOS on the body and the way in which this itself effects weight loss and how a particular diet may be issued to help ease the effects since it is closely linked to diabetes and insulin resistance. No no no. Just eat frigging beans on toast and garlic chicken and your problems will be solved.
Then she wanted to stop our one to one sessions and get me to go to some group ones like an NHS based weight watchers I guess but after some thought I decided not to go. In conjunction with one another it's not a problem but as the one and only solution? If she can't even help me one to one, on something that's supposed to be tailor made and focussed on me and my lifestyle, what does she think a weekly group weigh in and talk about "healthy fats and good cooking practise" is going to do? I'm not stupid, I don't need to be taught not to smother my roast in goose fat. I don't need to be told it is unhealthy to eliminate all fat from my diet. I don't need to be told the difference between simple and complex carbohydrates or how they are broken down and used by the body.
And no, I didn't learn this from the frigging internet.
I decided to take it upon myself to look at what I'm doing wrong without her guidance. and this involved doing something she didn't do and look at my diet over the long term and it turns out that the snacks and going over board that I would do maybe one or two days a week is actually enough to scupper all the hard work I do the rest of the time. Maybe if it's once or twice a month, or strictly only one day a week it'd be cool, but not the frequency I'm at now. Also, being stuck in job hunting with no money to actually go out and about and be a bit more active (sorry but solitary neighbourhood walks around here are not something I'd willingly participate in.) doesn't help. So I'm trying to build a routine of activity up.
It is difficult, not least of all because of my asthma, and I'm affraid my own laziness will sabotage me but what can I do? There's no one keeping me this way but myself at the end of the day. I'm wasting no more time on idiotic dieticians who regurgitate the same old shit but mixed up with the enthusiasm of one who is paid to say "Eat beans on toast!" every day. I can go to my mother, ask how I should loose weight, and hear the same from her.
Honestly, I'm a bit frustrated that until I develop a life threatening condition I don't seem to be eligible for any help besides being told to eat beans on toast once a month, and I'd really rather not develop such a condition first. But the only person whose going to help me is me, not dome ditzy so called health professional who spouts off the same crap I can watch on Channel Four once a week.
Actually I think my relationship with food is much less about my willingness to eat a healthy, balanced diet (which I do, on the whole) or my difficulty in being active, but is on the whole much more psychological. Still, I can't afford to fork out for therapy and the NHS doesn't seem to have cottoned on to the fact that many people don't binge because subliminal messaging in adverts tells them to or because they would rather eat chocolate than beans on toast. Once again, until I put my life in danger through purging or starving it seems that I won't get any psychological help and will just have to carry on regardless trying to manage my mood swings on my own and not just self medicate with chocolate.
Anyhow. Yes. Solutions to problems. I be masterminding them yet again. Ahem. Sorry about the rant there I didn't intend it to get as such but hey, why not leave it up there for posterity (and Ben's amusement). I'm sure everything will eventually come to me, I just have to work at it in the meantime :)
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