I'm not a huge gamer. I don't really follow the news or the trends, I don't trawl wikis or look into the extra content. It's a rare thing that I really get into a game. This isn't so much because I'm uninterested in games, but it's because I know the truth and take steps to protect myself, like shunning games from my life. It isn't easy, especially with my husband being entangled in the gaming industry's web of lies; it makes it all the harder to keep their evil influence out of my home. We have bookshelves absoloutely full of the accursed things. Just looking at them makes me break out in a cold sweat, and then when I inevitably break and peel a disc carefully out of its case, I get hooked to the point of dependence. I mean, it gets really really bad. I can't sleep, because all I'm thinking about is when I can get back on the Xbox. This is something that happens to 99.9% of gamers**, and is possibly the root of all the evil
Despite the addictive potential of such games I thought I'd managed to strike a good game-life balance. I restrained my gaming to only 17 hours of each day (pretty good going compared to some who spend some 32 terrifying hours every day*** of their lives playing games!) and even managed to tear myself away for long enough to cook wholesome food for my husband and I to fuel our forrays into Cyrodil as opposed to the traditional but wreckless gamer diesel: Hot Pockets. I even invested in a Wii Fit so that I could turn some gaming time into active workout time too, so that what little time I had with my consoles would at least be somewhat physically healthy. Playing so long left little time for other activities such as sleeping or finding a job or going to the toilet. Modern medicine provided the answer to that last one, and the threat of witholding certain physical marital acts kept Ben going to work each and every day to pay for our habit (not that we had time for that either mind you, but the male brain works in strange ways and the threat of me actively witholding the stuff from him was enough to get him running).
So all in all, compared to other gamers who eventually die penniless and covered in layers of their own excrement**** we had things going pretty well.
Until we got Assasins Creed Brotherhood with its multiplayer games...
Now, hand on heart, I didn't even have a Gold Account till this point, but watching Ben play (when he was back from work earning me money of course) "Wanted" had me enthralled - he was running around assassinating real people!!! I wanted in on the action! I immediately went to the bank to take out the massive loan needed to pay for the premium account needed to play online***** and began stalking my prey.
I struggled after this to keep my life-game balance in the equilibrium that I'd enjoyed for so long. It didn't take long for Ben to realise that I was taking up way more time than I used to, and he became violent and aggressive towards me. Having his precious gaming hours trimmed away was just too much for his over worked and under gamed brain to handle. He confronted me one evening when I had failed to prepare his dinner and demanded that I seek help for my problem. I, being so enthralled by the game, merely grunted in response to his demands. At this point, things began to get really scary.
He stormed out of the living room and into the bedroom. I barely noticed at all, but when machine gun fire smashed the television I was brought up short. I confronted him as to where his weapon had come from.
"I've been keeping it under the bed!" he mocked me.
"What, with our N64?"
"Precisely"
"You monster!"
What followed was the most unbridled act of domestic violence Merseyside Police have ever had to deal with and eventually they had to shrug and admit the RSPCA should probably be called out. It was also the very first time a couple have been begged by the authorities to just get a damned divorce already. When the case was taken before the courts, an epic year long battle over who should get possession of the Xbox was fought and eventually I was given weekend visitation rights.
Shaken over the breakup of my marriage and the loss of custody of my precious Xbox, I was at my lowest. The worst time for game withdrawl to hit me. At one point I found myself shopping in Liverpool city centre when a young child taking a merry stroll with its mother rushed towards me, probably chasing a duck or other such wild creature that frequents the city streets. That's when the hallucinations kicked in. What I saw was not a small, gleeful child but a vengeful Llama of death, and its happy laughter was the screeching call of Satan himself. And then the worst...a great flashing neon red arrow appeared above its mighty head...the creature was a templar, hired by abstergo to kill me...
At this point I may or may not have lost control of my bowels, but my gaming instinct kicked in and my many hours of training for this moment clicked into place. I would not let the Abstergo Llama fiend get me, for I was trained in the way of avoiding such a horrific death. I reached in my pocket where, for some reason unknown to any but God himself, I found a stash of smoke bombs. I threw it at the Llama who was instantly stunned. Then I took my chance and rushed forward, kung-fu chopping the beast accross its neck, screaming my war cry of "PWNED MUTHAFUKA!"
I stood, surveying the carnage around me, hands on hips and chest inflated with pride. When the smoke finally cleared a child lay twitching at my feat covered in Red Bull and urine, its horrified mother weeping inconsolably. There was no sign of the hellish Abstergo Llama, who had obviously brutalised the poor mite****** however the police were charging towards me.
I behaved as any law abiding citizen would at this point and, seeing the end was near, bloody legged it till I found a convenient haystack which I promptly lept into. As my breathing decreased and the rush of adrenaline finally began to ebb I found myself not to be within a sweet soft haystack (and in the middle of Liverpool, what the hell was I hallucinating haystacks for anyway?) but in the back seat of a blue Ford Focus, the glass from its shattered window littered around me and leaving forensic evidence everywhere. There was no escaping it. I was apprehended and brought in.
And so it is from here on the inside that I'm finally telling my REAL story to you, to warn you of the dangerous mind altering powers of game addiction. Pay no heed to the fools and CVG, their WRONG campaign is aptly named...it is indeed very very wrong, and wise and sage men and women such as Anne Diamond and Matthew Wright should be applauded for their depth of insight and knowlege of the games industry and the evil devil pressed discs that they peddal.
And a note to parents; don't let your children go through what I went through. Don't let them play video games. I know that'll mean you have to actually pay attention to them or hire an actual babysitter but surely that's better than falling prey to the devastating effects of game addiction as I have. It's only a matter of time before they begin stashing machine guns under their beds with their nintendo's.
* It's the truth because I say it is.
** Figures taken straight out of my big fat backside, much like Anne Diamond realy...
*** Scientists have proven beyond doubt that the Xbox warps the fabric of space-time
**** It does too happen, have you never been to Korea?
***** They don't like to flash it around, but gamers have to take out loan upon loan, sometimes even remortgaging their parents houses behind their backs just to afford to pay for the Xbox multiplayer gold service
****** My counsellor has now helped me work through my issues and I know there was never any Llama, so rest assured you can sleep safely in your beds without fear tonight
No comments:
Post a Comment
What do you think?