Looking back...and ahead...

So today is the last day of February and so this marks my completion of NaBlo. I think, as I have already mentioned in an earlier post, that this is something I shall continue to partake in in future months...but not next month! I mean, you never know, I might just end up posting every day next month, but the pressure of having to post every single day was a bit much. On days when I really did have nothing to say (why Bex, that was most of February, wasn't it?) I sometimes found the prompts a little uninspiring...or none existent! Whilst it is totally understandable that the good folks behind NaBlo have, you know, their own lives, the lack of weekend prompts left me, at times, at a loss for blogging.

Still, life wouldn't be fun without something to work towards and I'm think of taking up the 30 day challenge that Joelle has been gradually working through at Love is Home...nothing special, just 30 little questions to be answered, just to keep the juices flowing if I get stuck. No pressure to post every day, just something to keep you mulching over.

Which is definitely what I need at the minute! Things seem a bit stagnant right now. I say that yes, hopefully things will speed up in the fullness of time but I can't see why or how or for definite, it's just a hope.

This leads onto a bit of a sigh of exasperation now. The whole point of me starting this blog was in order to have a more personal platform than facebook with which to document the great changes that we had hoped to incorporate into our lives over the next year or so, but...

...well, they just aren't happening? Or at least, they won't be happening, not in the way we wanted to. Allow me to elaborate. We are now, err, not moving to Durham, and are staying in Liverpool.

I don't know whether to feel annoyed or happy or dissappointed or whether to jump for joy or weep uncontrollably over this new/old/inevitable decision. I don't know whether to blame Ben or myself or "the state of the economy, chunter chunter chunter". Truth be told, so far as feelings and playing the blame game are concerned, I think it's most definitely a case of "all of the above".

I mean there are plusses to it of course, but I've ruminated through all of the pro's and con's, each option has a ton of either, ranging from niceness of the area to affordability to family concerns...and I could ruminate even further but it gets me no where. What's really playing on my mind is...

Look, can we not just make a decision?

My best mate Becky has known us for a fair few years now and I think since knowing her we've been chopping and changing. One minute we're moving up north. Then we're moving down south. Then we're staying put. Actually, I know it's not the most important factor for figuring in life changing decisions, but we must be looking pretty fucking flaky to the folks we know and love here in Liverpool. And then...what about our families? They're offering their assistance and support of all manners but the truth of the matter is, if I were them, I'd be getting pretty tired of listening to all this waxing lyrical about moving up or down or just down the road if I were them.

So why do it? For some reason either I have the seeming inabillity to say no to Ben, or Ben just doesn't understand how I feel, so without turning this into a huge mega anti Ben rant, which it is not because I can see Bens point of view, I'm just trying to express my own exasperation at the situation, let me say this...

Our flat and the area in which we live aren't exactly brilliant, and it gets upsetting not being able to be close to family when they're out having a good time without you or going through mega, mega shit life changing events, but actually...I like Liverpool enough to say hey, lets stay here forever, or at least you know, lets just settle down, stop getting worked up about things x, x, or x person has said. Be honest, these people are usually people who have never actually lived here and without insulting some of both of our nearest and dearest on either side of the family, only have hearsay to go by. Oftentimes our own but that's more of a statement on the immediate surroundings of Anfield, not the area as a whole. You've often said yourself you'd not mind living in the Wavertree area, we never had much trouble there, but the past 3 years, hard as they've been, I fear have tainted both of our views.

Wow, haha, you have no idea how great it is to get that off my chest :D

But seriously...I've had enough of putting my life on hold because we can't look for a house till we have jobs up north, there's no point signing up for college if we won't be in the area etc etc. 3 days ago I was perusing the local job openings in the local tattle rag up north and now, from yet another turn around, I'm looking at jobs and houses in Liverpool again. Ok you could say...well technically that's not on hold...but seriously, with such quick and ground shattering turn arounds, is it any wonder I feel like I'm going no where? I could have already been in training at ChildLine (so glad I never threw the application out!) and because we'd made this "groundbreaking, definitive, this is it" decision to move up north, I didn't register at college. I find myself now in a mad scramble as I ponder what it is I should do...do I leave it, yet again another year (I've been putting it off and off and off for so long now) or do I hope and pray for the best that it isn't too late to sign up for it this year?

Anyway. It can be safely said that we're remaining on Merseyside for the forseeable future. I can only say the forseeable future because God knows when the next big thing will be that will push someone over the edge and want them to go running home again. But surely, we're in our mid twenties now, running home to mummy is no longer the answer? We should be running home to each other, being, you know, married, and as far as I'm concerned...I'm quite happy and at home right here :)